Sorry I can’t come to your thing tonight, I’m too busy figuring out an excuse about why I can’t come to your thing next week
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15 just called The Beastie Boys old people music so it looks like we’re gonna be empty nesters a few years ahead of schedule
Will I. Am’s headstone will read “Will I. Was,” completing history’s longest set-up to a punchline
Mugger: Give me your money
Me: Get ready to see some karate!
Mugger: Oh yeah?
Me: I have tournament tickets in my man bag
Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.
Everyone is freaking out because I brought my own gavel to court, no one knows if I’m allowed to do this, the judge is crying
The worst feeling is when you miss someone but you can’t even tell them you miss them because they are a pizza.
*wife comes out in a robe*
I’m hiding your present
Yes it’s wrapped
Nooo, it’s not in the fridge
[5 minutes later]
IT’S NOT IN THE FRIDGE!
I used to be married to an active, vibrant, happy young woman who decided one day to hang a bird feeder in the back yard, and now I’m married to a glassy-eyed, unwashed maniac that stands at the kitchen window all day screaming at squirrels.
I think it’s obvious that all across America trees are scooping up cats so that they can meet good looking firefighters
I wrote: You’ll always have a place in my heart.
AC sent: You’ll always have a place in my hearse.Now “staying friends” seems unlikely.
We just got new neighbors and if they play their cards right I won’t know anything about them just like what’s-his-name that lived there before them.
Yes I am sort of famous you may recognize me from being invited to say the pledge of allegiance over the school speakers in third grade
My kid has Monday off for what school is calling “Family Connection Time.” I’ve had 5 years and 3 summer months of that. Take my kid.
Stop hoisting all your food into the trees. Now the bears have to settle for the second most delicious thing at your campsite.
My 4yo pretended she was a hired cleaner yesterday as. As she helped me clean she asked if I had any kids. After telling her about my 2 I asked if she had any of her own. Turns out she has 5 kids and has been married to a man named Carlin for 30 years. You think you know someone.
Her: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to learn Japanese and crochet*
Me: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to perfect my cereal to milk ratio*
Don’t you hate it when you leave your gym bag in the hot car and all your Hershey Bars melt?
The pet groomer didn’t appreciate the 10 dollar bill I slid across the table to give my dog the “happy ending”.
[spreading rumors]
me: R
O
R
U M
S
Cop: I’m going in, cover me!
Me:*speed knits blanket*
I’ll photoshop my youngest into old pics just to make him stop crying about not being a part of the family before he was born.
Ghosting someone sounds like a euphemism for murder.
I was out of tanning oil once, so I used PAM® Cooking Spray. The tan didn’t stick.
Notes to my My normal
kids teacher handwriting
Being off twitter for so long gave me the time to appreciate what’s really important in life, so I’m back on twitter
*Wife blows me a kiss from across the room*
*I pretend to catch it*
*I walk over to the window and toss it outside*
“Grow up Karen”
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Technically I pulled myself over, you only asked
C: I know, right? They make us say it like that
They can identify a dead body by its dental records. How cool is that? “We don’t know who he is, but we know his dentist!”
The most Seattle thing ever: I ran into a woman on my street using a mason jar with a light in it to look for her lost chicken
Saw a woman wearing her shirt backwards and I was like OH MY GOD ONE OF MY PEOPLE