Dog owners be like this is Spike he’s a purebred pedigree worth $13 000 and cat owners be like this is Lord Theodore Willis The Third he’s orange and we found him in an alley
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*gets tax refund* *calls zoo*
Hello, how much to rent an otter for the day? Please say less than $47. Hello?
MARRIAGE PROTIP – Guys, if you have a picture of your junk on your phone, you better be sure your wife has a copy of it on hers. Good talk.
Harry: I got my scar when Voldemort tried to kill me. How about you?
Me, who walked into an open cabinet door: Uh, Azkaban prison riot
God: you’re a garter snake.
Garter Snake: I’m a snek?
God: no you’re a snake.
Garter Snake: I’m a snek!
God: [sigh] fine you’re a small snek.
Garter Snake:
God:
Garter Snake: I’m a smol snek?
a friend was telling me about a guy she’s breaking up with and at one point she said “he does these weird eye and ear exercises” and at the end i was like “i’m sorry you’re going thru this” waited the appropriate 20 seconds and said “can you teach me the eye and ear exercises”
I had 3 crackers, a ketchup packet, and a yogurt that said “Liz’s. Don’t Touch!” for lunch in case anyone wondered if tomorrow is payday.
I’ve licked my tip many times and sometimes it leaves a blue, red and sometimes green mark on my tongue, I mean we’ve all had those multicoloured pens before……
gargoyle: I’m not feeling well, omg *blarfgh!!!
That moment when you cut into a seedless watermelon and find out it’s only allegedly seedless
Got out of jury duty yesterday by confessing to the crime
Had a spot of bother earlier.
I let my kids choose between walking to get pizza or driving to get tacos because it’s important for them to feel like they have some control in their lives and I really want tacos.
[whispering to coworker who liked my status about having to put my dog down but never commented] so you like dead dogs do ya meghan?
Hogwarts – a magical school or a pig venereal disease? Inquiring minds wanna know
Believe it or not I’m listening to the Final Countdown in the grocery store. Now you’re hearing it too.
disney ceo: live action little mermaid
animator: yep
ceo: it’s in the ocean
animator: got it
ceo: coral reefs
animator: understood
ceo: lots of fish
animator: [nose suddenly bleeding] i don’t- what is.… finsh?
Me: why do bad things happen to good people?
God: *reveals image of me jerking off to April from Ninja Turtles*
Me: oh
God: *nods solemnly*
Lord give me the strength to stop buying a sausage roll every single time I pass somewhere that sells sausage rolls.
i really liked this one
Me to me: I will spend this day in isolation doing productive things I’ve always wanted to get done
Me, six hours later, finally glancing up from my phone: pardon
Did…did a minotaur write this
Remember back in the good old days when someome looked at you wrong, all you had to do was call them a witch and POOF problem solved
Flamboyant sounds like you’re floating but on fire.
just saw a rat running up the street he’s probably late opening his restaurant
Start every meeting with, “Let’s just agree to disagree.”
How come I have to do all this work and you do nothing all day?
– my 8yo while doing one chore
Google isn’t much help if you can’t think of the word ‘zebra’
90% of parenting is making up rules. 10% is trying to remember them.
Wife: I want to see some snow.
Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.
Wife: I’d rather see snow.