I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve visited Chernobyl… it’s 14
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Beaver 1: our house has been flooded…
Beaver 2: dam
wife: what time is it
me, trying to set the world record for longest anyone has gone without bending their elbows: you know I can’t see my watch
Good is the enemy of great.
Sponge is the enemy of math.
Metaphysics is the enemy of Walmart.
me: I may have added too much salt
my snail girlfriend: my brothers will avenge me
Rent really don’t make no sense like why is my apartment getting a raise every year who is doing the performance review.
lmao
Argue with me at your own risk. I have cutting comebacks a week later when I’m in the shower.
We’re out of duct tape, craft glue, and frozen orange juice because I made a sandwich while I was drunk last night.
New Tinder profile.
Remember, your toilet is just afraid of you as you are of it.
when the solution to your problem doesn’t exist on stack overflow:
By age 30 you should have a raccoon butler, a pet penguin called Terry, a 10 year old bully and a pair of Hulk hands used exclusively for speed dating.
Getting arrested must suck! Not only do you get arrested, you have to make a phone call!!
You’ve reached voicemail of [Jim], leave a message.
“Hi it’s the library. The book ‘How to Steal Library Books’ is now 1 week over…UH OH”
We have a cricket in our garage and every once a while, to keep him entertained, I go out and tell him corny dad jokes.
Then I wait.
*at hostage negotiation class
Prof: Let’s go around and say why we’re here
Man: I joined the NYPD
Woman: I’m in the FBI
Me: I have a toddler
The only phrase you need to learn in any foreign language is, “I know you guys are talking shit about me!”
Only my kid could make “when we get home I’m going to craft something” sound like a threat
[First Date]
No dessert for me, I couldn’t eat another bite.
[Second Date]
*slides whole cake down my gullet like a pelican*
A guy just beeped for me to move from my parking spot and now I’ll be live tweeting from this spot for 3 more hours.
Wanna know my secret to rock hard abs? I ride the mechanical duck outside the grocery store 300 times a day.
cat: *slowly approaches new vase*
me: you don’t wanna do that
vase: *pushes cat off the table*
me: i warned you
me: can i be frank for a sec
boss: sure
frank: thank you
I’m tempted to start throwing glitter at people who refuse to wear masks. So sorry it got in your mouth and up your nose, I bet a mask would have prevented that.
hey i know we haven’t talked since high school but we’re celebrating our 10 year friendversary on facebook. what are u up to tonight lol
[First day as a driving instructor]
“Okay kid, reverse. Keep going and stop when you hear a bang.”
For my next magic trick I’ll turn this fifth of tequila into a restraining order.
How many calories are in Twitter beef?
To me, being Single means never having to apologize..
Unless someone drops by my disgusting house unannounced