Sorry I can’t make it to lunch today. I forgot to shorten “people” to ppl in a text this morning and now I’m totally behind schedule.
You Might Also Like
All these years, i thought Ricky Martin was singing, chicken bonbon, chicken bonbon
[Satanic ritual]
Leader [pinching the bridge of his nose]: what is this
Me: the sacrifice
Leader: they’re cupcakes
Me: YEAH, BARRY, DEVIL’S FOOD AND I’LL HAVE YOU KNOW I SACRIFICED MY ENTIRE DAY TO MAKE THEM
“What charities do you donate to?”
“I mostly just leave sunglasses all over the world.”
Pretty sure they warned us about this on the Book of Revelations.
Since summer is almost over here’s a list of all the places I got to visit:
1. Work
Very funny, think he has a bet on a horse 😂
Whatever, Batman. You may call it the Batcave, but that doesn’t change the fact you still live in your parents’ basement.
Him: Do you have any food in your purse?
Me: I call it my Snack pocket. My snocket.
Him: Not all words need to be-
Me: ALL OPTIONS SHOULD BE EXPLORED DO YOU WANT THIS Ziplock OF WARM BABY CARROTS OR NOT?
You can buy live bees. You can have them delivered anywhere you want. It’s like $6. The internet doesn’t make behaving very easy.
Me: Hi! One Big Mac no tomatoes please
Her: Mam this is a library
Me: Oh. Sorry
Now whispering: One Big Mac no tomatoes please
Justin Bieber songs are much more enjoyable when you replace the word “girl” with “gerbil”.
I’m 32 and my mom took me clothes shopping or as she likes to call it a “please go back to school sale”
Her: If your goal was to piss me off today then congratulations
Me: That’s ridiculous. My goal was just to be congratulated for something.
*buys a bunch of stuff at Costco*
Sir, you wanna box for those?
“Nah, I hate violence. Can I just pay cash?”
WIFE: Not your eyes! You dont have to prove it anymore
GUY WHO CLAIMS HE PUTS HOT SAUCE ON EVERYTHING: *thru tears* I made a commitment babe
When your name is Jenn & people think it’s short for Jennifer, but it’s really short for Jennatalia.
How to find out if you old.
(Fall down in front of a group of people.)
If they laugh, you are young.
If they panic, you are old.
i slap your apartment floor and ask you what year it was made. you don’t understand so i do exactly the same thing again
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
I asked my brothers why they’re getting two separate ps5s when they live in the same house and can share, and they told me to go share my phone with my mum😑
50% of fatherhood is repeating yourself.
Other 50% is untangling your kid from the shirt stuck on their head cause you didn’t unbutton it.
escape room concept (advanced): it’s Christmas and your family is asking why you’re still single
*Runs 6 miles*
*Adds Kenyan to resume*
judge: how do you plead
me: *burps* excuse me
judge: you are excused
me: [running away] gottem lol
I handed her the flowers. “You shouldn’t of!” she said. I took them back. “Have,” I whispered
I like big rolls of toilet paper. Mega roll? Not good enough. I want the roll to protrude into the next room. I want there to be a danger I may become trapped beneath it. I want two burly men in herringbone driver’s caps to wrestle the new roll into place twice a year
TOP STORY: Do websites create articles with lists and arbitrary numbers to get you to click through? Here are 15 examples you wont believe
You can walk a mile in sweat pants and have no problem. As soon as you have bags of groceries in each hand they’re around your ankles.
Him: If they ask you any questions, just play stupid. You know nothing….
Me: Oh, I think I can handle that.
In my experience, bowling and pancakes have the same energy.
High hopes at the beginning, lowered self-esteem at the end.