Sorry I can’t pay for a new car right now, I’m still paying off a Naked Juice I bought in 2014
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you’d think someone who calls themselves a rat-catcher by trade would be more prepared for having a rat thrown at them, just goes to show people aren’t always who they say they are.
put my earbuds in so i wouldn’t have to talk with the man next to me on the plane and he asked if he could “borrow one so we could listen together”
Who called it industrial espionage and not being a thief executive?
“I know you don’t wanna deal with making me do schoolwork and I definitely don’t wanna deal with doing it so if you let me get away with doing less of it, it’ll make both of us happy.”
– 11yo, not wrong
Me: [first day at work] I’ve finally found my dream job.
Me: [4 days later] I just want to go home, nobody likes me and I think the printer is haunted.
Dad called and asked how my weekend was and I gave him the whole rundown but it was just a lead in for him to tell me that he dragged a dead body out of a lake
You can buy wedding cake even if there’s no wedding, those suckers don’t even check
Dear burglar, I’m really sorry about all the mess getting in your way, I wasn’t expecting company
WIFE: I can’t believe you ruined my birthday yesterday
ME: What a load of bollocks, Karen. I didn’t even know it was your birthday
DOCTOR: when was the last time you exercised?
ME: *thinking about holding the thermometer under my tongue* dude you were there
Judge: you’ve been charged with assault
Batman: you mean battery
Judge: no it was physical assault
Batman: *whispers* batsault
Fortune cookies are pretty cool but there are foods that can more accurately predict the future. Like if I drink tequila I know I’m definitely getting arrested.
imagine being the mom in Gremlins you just wanted to have a nice family christmas and your husband brings home a new pet then it starts multiplying and evolving into little demon lizard things and you have to put one in your new blender and you’re like why is this my life now
The closest I come to hiking is when I eat trail mix.
Love spending a relaxing Sunday curled up with a good book as it sits next to me untouched while I scroll through twitter for three hours
For only £3 a month you can adopt an economy passenger. Help us stop the brutal and inhumane way we treat them by donating today. You’ll receive a framed picture of your very own economy passenger and regular updates as to where their luggage might be. Thank you
idc who house I’m at, i’m drying my hands on yo decoration towels
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Doorbell repairman…… the end.
Praying mantis walks up to his buddies with no head,
“Guess who got laid last night?”
me: another one, make it a double
hot dog vendor: how
Teachers: You can’t write an essay in a night. Exam: Write an essay in two hours.
ME: We left the kids at their grandparents
FRIEND: Date night?
ME: No we just don’t like them anymore
Every time my wife makes asparagus I think she’s trying to catch me peeing in the shower.
The cute barista at my favourite coffee place has been flirting with me for about 6 months now.
In another 6 months I’m hopeful I’ll work up the confidence to tell them they misheard my name 6 months ago and I’ve been too awkward to say anything
[airport]
GF: I guess this is goodbye
ME: I told you, I’m not very good at goodbyes
GF: [crying] Goodbye
ME: [trying real hard] Hello
[First person to ride a horse]
‘I’m going to sit on that thing and I don’t care how angry it gets.’
Please don’t put a coin on my mouth when I die; I plan to wander the shores of the River Styx for 100 years & finally get that bikini body.
Do people who happily announce their pregnancy know they are going to be stuck with a baby afterwards?
Dear twitter thank you for telling me it’s not my fault……but wtf
I think the hot dog eating competition should award me extra points for not blinking during the event.