Sorry I can’t pay for a new car right now, I’m still paying off a Naked Juice I bought in 2014
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The deadliest weapon is the mind. Unless you got a sword or something. Or a gun. If you have a gun, that’s definitely the best choice.
Before you buy anything online ask yourself “Am I prepared to see a sales ad for that same item on every social media site I visit until the day I die?”
can I use a minion as a tampon
You inspired me to sing. Never mind the dogs howling for me to stop.
*meets man next door*
That’ll be easy to remember. We have the same first name
*meets neighbour’s wife*
Is our name tattooed anywhere on your body?
Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not getting McDonald’s.
Child: Why not?
Me: We have food here.
Child: I don’t like the food here.
Me: Grilled cheese?
Child: no
Me: Hot dogs?
Child: no
Me: Chic-[20 minutes later]
Me [at drive-thru]: TWO BIG MACS AND
Why do people say raw sewage. Saying raw makes it sound like it becomes better if cooked properly.
My Jehovahs Witness coworker got mad when I started calling him the “Knock-topus” after he spilled ink all over his shirt
I call loading the dishwasher “quantum physics” because no one else in this house knows how to do that either.
I sold the armchair I had in my room and now I have nowhere to put my clean laundry and stare at it for 8 days??
Guys, if she says “well that’s entirely up to you”… it really isn’t.
Im so mad Trump pulled out of the Paris Climate Agreement that I’m going to go read the Paris Climate Agreement now.
I once banged the Michelin Man…it was tiresome
going to red lobster does anyone need any red lobsters
Having to write cover letters is so dumb. Do u really believe my dream ever since I was a little girl was to optimize SEO for a mid level online publication? No. It was to ride a pony on a space rainbow. Grow up.
First rule of brown girl club: Don’t wear pink & white striped shirts; you’ll look like Neopolitan ice cream.
I took a “Which Disney princess are you?” quiz and I got Jafar.
yes, I did pass these out on my last family vacation.
[bald eagles exchanging gifts]
*holds out gift*
You didn’t get me a toupee again, did you?
-Uhh…
*slowly pulls gift back*
I’m most like a dog when after someone has hurt me I won’t get too close to them again.
Also when I’m eating food that fell on the floor.
I got the words yakuza and jacuzzi confused the other day.
Now I’m in hot water with the Japanese mafia.
My husband is looking for the remote control. I need everyone to stand up for a minute.
It’s not often I get to relive my youth, but today one of the guys at the gym said he drank so much protein shake he felt sick so I said he got wheysted and then he stuffed me into a locker.
friend: What’s one thing marriage has taught you?
me: If you walk into the house eating a candy bar you better have one for her too
[girl I’m talking to playfully touches my arm] Wait, do that again I wasn’t flexing.
[romantic dinner]
her: “I was hoping it might just be the two of us.”
ventriloquist dummy: “he said I help with his confidence.”
Dear Stephanie on Facebook,
I do not care that you are watching The Breakfast Club.
I only want to know what channel it’s on.
I’m pretty sure the coupon I gave you for a $7 haircut suggests that I’m not interested in that $44 bottle of shampoo, but thank you.
I’ve seen enough episodes of Dateline to know never to stand near a cliff while letting Hubs take my picture.