My son is running back and forth from the kitchen to his room because he can’t bring the chips to his room.
He’s nothing if not a problem solver.
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[at DMV]
Me: *pushing my way through line* birthday boys first
Guy in line: that’s not a thing!
Clerk: actually it’s on the secret menu
Guy: wha-
Me: oh and uh *winks 3 times*
Clerk: cup or cone
Me: cone pls 🙂
Clerk: *scooping ice cream* here you go sweetie
Well, this certainly took a turn
Ever smell a permanent marker and accidently color the tip of your nose black?
Related: They’re called permanent markers for a reason.
chickens lay eggs every day right? so is that why we eat eggs? so chickens don’t take over the world?
gender reveal party:
-boring
-only 2 outcomes
-too much socializingfather reveal party:
-exciting
-many outcomes
-party may end early
Mufasa: See that river over there? Simba: Yeah? Mufasa: F*cked so many bitches over there
I use my oven like my grandmother uses her cell phone – sparingly and confusedly.
watching shogun with subtitles off so i can feel like just as much of an outsider as the white guy
Buying a new phone isn’t even satisfying anymore. It’s literally just your old phone with a haircut.
My 4yo just realized he could raise both his eyebrows at the same time
He now does it every time he makes eye contact with me and it looks like we are in cahoots orchestrating the most diabolical plan ever
If you want your friends to stop asking you to work out with them, go once. Show up in leather. Bring your workout cake.
My daughter kept saying the new puppies name over and over again only pausing to take breaths. I finally had to tell her “if that thing doesn’t bite you I’m going to” this is how we summer
Coming Soon
Jason Statham is a reluctant thief with a heart of gold*cue explosion*
PUNCH McEXPLODEY CAR MAN
*fade to black*
*Bites werewolf*
Me: At every sunrise you will transform into middle management.
Werewolf: No!
Me: And you will go to bed at a reasonable time…EVERY NIGHT.
Christmas time is my Mom asking me what size shirt I wear and then telling me I’m wrong.
Me (digging a hole): how’s this?
My clone: at least 6 feet deeper
Me: you sure there’s treasure?
My Clone: toss me up your keys bud
Every great and accomplished chef had to start somewhere.
Whoever named rice cakes is probably also responsible for Paris, Texas
Waiter: entrée?
Me: I don’t mind what you bring it on
I just went to church and had communion. Ok it was a gas station and I had 2 donuts but I did say a prayer before scratching my lotto ticket
[First Date]
I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
*shoves a whole brisket in my maw like a bear going into hibernation*
Me: i hate it when I have to come in to work
Boss: i hate it when you have to come to work, too
“You know who needs more attention? Celebrities. Maybe we could give them trophies or something.” Good idea, Oscar. What’d you have in mind?
I don’t care if you have a thousand pens at home already, when someone offers you a pen YOU TAKE THAT PEN
My cat likes to meow at me a lot. I like to meow back at him.
Sometimes when I meow back he stops meowing and I worry that I might have insulted his mum or something
Give a man a fish, you feed him for a day.
Give him fish again the second day and he will complain about having to eat the same food everyday.
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest strength is, I want to say, “I push myself.”
I didn’t see a single avenger die when Obama was president
King’s men: well don’t just stand there, help us put this egg mf back together again
King’s horses: