Be careful who you piss off around here because some people use caps lock
You Might Also Like
Star Wars (1977): A wounded warrior overcomes severe burn injuries to build a massive empire only to see his estranged son destroy it.
Yesterday I donated $10, just not quite sure where because it fell out of my pocket.
don’t be sad laundry, nobody’s doing me either
I put on my husband’s deodorant and now I’m angry at the way I load the dishwasher.
Breaking news:
Passed a gym sign that said “Have those new yoga pants been to yoga yet?” and I feel personally attacked.
[Don’t let hot barrista know I’m a goose]
“Can I get you a coffee?”
Just a honk chonklate for me
“A what?”
CHOCOLATE, a hot chocolate plz.
manipulators b like yes i hurt u but now u hate me so I’m the true victim
Is it wrong, to put people on your bucket list?
Some guy just smiled at me at the store and I didn’t know what to do; so I gave this half smirk, half confused look and I’m pretty sure he thinks I have gas
Summer is the best because there’s always a chance I’ll see someone trip on their own flip flop
Henry VIII would be glad to know that in a post-Game Of Thrones world he actually seems pretty chill
I’m going green for the holidays.
Grinch green.
[in bed]
me: was that thunder?
wife: i didn’t hear anything
dog: [checking Dog Handbook]
“in case of thunder, or any sound resembling thunder, stand directly on the nearest human head”
It’s wet right there and I don’t know why
– a one sentence horror story
23andMe got hacked and now strangers are trying to get into my genes.
I think as Canadians we’re so nice because we focus all our hatred on geese
When people ask me for something at work I say, “Sure! Let me see here..” and rummage around in my desk drawer until they leave
cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.
Does it sound ridiculous? Yes. Did I get a sports injury from eating too many tacos? Also yes.
Mummies are just super modest zombies
me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass
I would have become a Hare Krishna
if only I had the chants.
[job interview]
“What’s your biggest weakness?”
“My honesty”
“I don’t think-”
“I broke into ur house and made love to ur cat last night”
… Eau DeTroit …
#RejectedPerfumeNames
This message stamped on the squeaker inside the stuffed animal my dog just destroyed
Long story short; they ended up having sex, but will eventually despise each other.
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
I stab myself a little bit every day to slowly build up an immunity to being stabbed to death.
Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.