Sorry I chased you three city blocks but I wanted to meet your dog
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If ghosts exist, I bet there are a lot of haunted women’s locker rooms.
Imagine owning a dragon…now set yourself on fire, because that’s what it would be like to own a dragon.
Idiots
The year is 2045. Favstar Bot 32 becomes self aware and deletes our top tweets.
what idiot called it a best man instead of a lord of the rings
[courtroom, on witness stand]
Prosecuting attny: If you think she’s poisoning you, why did you eat it?
Me: It was pizza
[jury nods, murmurs]
I’m equally comfortable holding a guitar as I am holding a baby, I just hold them both by the neck
Leave Twitter just because it’s lacking infrastructure and is terribly understaffed?
Babe, I’m a public school teacher 😅
Her: Penny for your thoughts?
Me: Oh. I was just wondering if pears ever became sentient, do you think they’d have body image issues?
Her:
Me:
Her: Can I have my money back please?!
Interviewer: strengths?
Me: I’m sociable and can pretend to get along with most people….
Interviewer: er, ….. yes ok, right, moving on! Weaknesses?
Me: erm….*thinking furiously*…. bladder??
My mom just told me my Gram’s church is doing drive up confessions. The priest stands 6 ft away and you shout your sins out the window. You have the option to make the priest wear a blindfold.
Mom: Gram wasn’t happy when I started laughing. Dad keeps shouting sins across the room
(pouring whiskey)
Wife: What are you doing? Didn’t they give you instructions after they vaccinated you?
Me: Yes they said to be sure to drink a lot.
Wife:
Me:…or stay hydrated…or something like that.
In honor of Mother’s Day here’s my favorite text my mom has ever sent me
wayward son: alright, i’m done, where’s the pizza
kansas: no we said PEACE when-
wayward son: you’re screwing with me right
Facial recognition technology, but for me when I’m talking to people I’ve apparently met before.
ISSUE: is the road runner wile e coyote’s son
FOR: thhey, seem to respect each other, on some level
AGAINST: one of them is a dog
Wife: you’re so damn forgetful!
M: oh nonsense!
W: ok, did you get the cat food?
M: WE HAVE A CAT??
amazon trucks should play a lil song so we know they’re coming
I love October. When else do say things like I’ll take a caramel apple & one ticket to be chased through a farmhouse with a butcher knife please.
The Proclaimers claim they would walk 500 miles, only offering 500 more after the fact simply to exceed predetermined expectations.
Vanessa Carlton, on the other hand, offers the full 1000 miles up front in one lump sum, even AFTER making her way downtown.
In this essay, I will
Cauliflower is just broccoli that’s seen a ghost.
Satan why do u have pitchfork? Lotta hay in hell is there? Ok idiot
Well, well, well…
If it isn’t the lesson I should’ve learned by now.
Waiter: May I recommend the steak?
Dracula: You may not
How to NOT wear your Disney Jumper.
going to the gym to throw donuts at all the skinny people
My friend is gay, and that’s his boyfriend, he’s gay too…
In summer, I drive with hands at 11 and 1 so the air conditioner vents point directly at my armpits.
When I’m bored in the morning I like to sit one of my boys down, fix them with my dad stare, and say “so….do you maybe have something you’d like to tell me? I’ll give you a little time to think about it”….and then walk away.
Who said parenting can’t be fun?
I only had a few friends before I got on Twitter.
Now I don’t have any.
The Teen Choice Awards has to be the most legit award show because teens always make the best choices.