Sorry I commented “yikes” on that pic of your baby you posted on facebook.
You Might Also Like
I can’t feel my face when I’m with you, but I love it.
Doctor: This is your third Botox appointment. That wasn’t even funny the first time.
It’s said that it takes 43 muscles to frown, but only 17 to smile which is why my face is ripped as hell
We’ve all talked about throwing a dirty dish away instead of washing it. But only some of us have done it.
Her)What that mouth do?
Me)Usually get me in trouble
I switched from the cutting wheel to pizza scissors and it’s like I spent the first half of my life trying to shave with a banana.
6: Mom will you play with me?
Me: Sure buddy
6: Yay! Okay you can sit right there, you don’t even have to get up!
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ ᵐʸ ᶠᵃᵛᵒʳᶦᵗᵉ ᵏᶦᵈ
Cell phones ruined the fun of pushing a fully clothed person into a pool.
Mechanic said I blew a seal…
Technically, it was a sea lion, but more importantly, how did he even know?
It’s like my Grandma always says, “I died three years ago. This is starting to get weird.”
Her: You had a whole bottle of wine and a full bag of jalapeño popper cheese curls??
Me: It’s self-care, so that makes it healthy.
When you recharge your toothbrush AND change the head on it at the same time……then forget you did it.
It’s cool. I’m pretty sure gums grow back.
Women are like campfires.
Beautiful, hot, smell great, warm your heart.
And, both don’t like it if you pee on them.
Mostly.
[walks into gym with my sunglasses on]
WHATS UP LADIES
*takes off sunglasses*
damn it 3rd treadmill I’ve hit on this week
Welcome to Starbucks how may I help you?
“Regular coffee with cream please”
That’s $40, 5ml of unicorn tears, and 10 dragon scales.
“TEN?”
No one would ever question Siri’s directions if she said them with more conviction. “Keep right, if you want to live.”
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
[at a loud bar]
HIM: [yelling] DO U HAVE ANY PLANS AFTER THIS?
HER: [also yelling] YES I DO ACTUALLY HAVE PLANTS THAT I KISS
Zookeeper: Sir, please leave the hippo enclosure.
Me: No. This is my family now.
ZK: They don’t actually eat marbles.
Me: I’m coming out.
One day I will peel open the plastic film on a yogurt container and not get sprayed in the face with yogurt juice. Today is not that day.
I put a message in an empty wine bottle and threw it in the ocean.
It said, “Please refill and return to sender.”
Now I wait.
Get a dog from the shelter for your kids and you’re a hero
but get a hobo from the shelter to babysit your kids and everyone gets all upset
🎶Somebody once told me the world was gonna roll me🎶
SECRET SOCIETY OF WORLD ROLLERS: Who talked?!
[dark alley]
Here’s the $3 million, thanks again for this, be sure to send pictures.Kidnapper: Wait, don’t you want your kids back?
My husband annoyed me last night so I adjusted the toaster settings slightly this morning.
If anyone wants to know how WWIII will actually start…. 🤣
[Valentine’s Day]
me: *gets divorced*
[24 hours earlier]
me: *purchasing a heart-shaped potato* she’ll love this
Kids be like “That is the funniest thing I’ve ever heard” and it’s just the word duty.
I bet the skeletons, in my gay coworker’s closet, are having a dress up party with fabulous clothes.
If a tree falls on your ex in the woods and no one’s around to hear it, you should probably still get rid of the chainsaw.