BISON DAD: good bye, son.
BISON SON: thank you, dad.
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If anyone ever saw me trying to zip up my jacket I’m pretty sure they’d make me repeat third grade.
Go to a fancy restaurant. Order the lobster. Order it alive. When it comes, order food for your new pet lobster. Then take lobster home.
The first step to forgiveness is realizing that the other person is stupid.
Jesus: I can never tell if people are addressing me or taking my name in vain
Mary: Jesus stop complaining
Me *putting honey on toast*
Son: do you know bees make that?
Me: uh yeah I’m not an idiot
[Later]
Date: tell me something interestingMe: bees make toast
I notice you only call when you want something
Person calling: ma’am your bill is 90 days past due
Got Fired by the Zoo for Teaching all the Sloths Tai Chi
[watching Queer Eye]
tan france on TV: *holding up a shirt* this is ghaaastly. this is the oogliest shirt i have evah seen.
me at home: *looks down* *is wearing the exact same shirt*
ME: I can’t find my glasses
SON: They’re on your head
ME: [beer spilling down my face] lmao not again
The sign at the zoo said “Please Don’t Touch The Animals” so I put away the book of poetry I was reading to them.
Costco ….
Because you never know when your
aquarium could explode ….and you really need those 96 rolls
of paper towels.
[phone]
H: What’s for dinner?
M: I’m having vodka. As for you, I have no idea.
H: Should I stop and get something?
M: Yes, more vodka.
Your “COEXIST” sticker inspired me to slip a Madagascar hissing cockroach through your car window at the mall. Peace.
This is about the time of year where my enthusiasm about shoveling snow turns into “it will probably melt on it’s own”
Mom, here’s a picture of my bf, he’s a musician
“That’s just the stock image that comes with the frame”
ur wrong, mom. Me and DJ 8×10 are in love
Hitting someone with overdraft fees is like whipping a footless man because he’s not running fast enough.
I’m that bored in the house 🥺
#lockdownextension
When I die I don’t want a big funeral. I’d just like a few of my close friends to get together and try to bring me back to life…
establish dominance by “properly” rewrapping your in-laws’ gift to you
Wife: He’s always rewriting the past..
Therapist: is this true?
Me: [doesn’t hear because I’m typing ‘Shrek killed Hitler’ into Wikipedia]
[2005, youtube’s first pitch meeting]
ok so basicaly its like if america’s funniest home videos was on 24 hrs a day on evrey computer–
SOLD
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘golfed’
“May I have it in a sentence please?”
Sure. He golfed with a tee.
“G-O-L-F-T”
Me: this is almost as scary as the dmv haha
Dentist: haha yeah, my license is suspended
Me: oh, what do you drive?
Dentist: deep breath and count back from 3. drive?
*Invents silent snack packages. *Becomes president of the United States.
sonic has been forcefully and unjustly removed from over 100 public pools. that is his walking speed. he wasn’t even running.
I officially know too much trivia. My wife just told me cream of mushroom soup was introduced in 1934, and now I can’t remember her birthday
(Treehouse)
Me: *picks up empty tin can, places it to ear*
Voice at other end: Hello we’re conducting a quick survey.
The first rule of Nun Club is “no dirty habits.”
[treading water in the ocean with my pet porcupine]
Me: we’ll just have to find another life raft, Jabby
My period is really late so I’m starting to think about baby names:
For a girl- Menopausalia
For a boy- HotFlash