@IamEnidColeslaw: sorry I didn't answer when you called, I had 6 Peeps in my mouth
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@nPhelendriqal: Anytime I see a tweet in a different language, I read it as "Oo ee Oo ah ah, ting tang walla walla bing bang."
@XplodingUnicorn: God: I made something new. It's like a tornado, but smaller. Angel: What do you call it? God: A toddler.
@gojarbe: [gun goes off] [every runner pretends to be wounded, then laughs and starts the race] ANNOUNCER: and the annual Dad 5k is underway
@IamJackBoot: Girls are suckers for a sad story so I always told them about my dad leaving us on my 8th birthday. I leave out the part where he returned with my cake. It wasn't chocolate so...still sad.