sorry I didn’t answer when you called, I had 6 Peeps in my mouth
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Ex: Do you ever think of someone else when we have sex?
Me: No, it’s always George Clooney.
[Martian welcoming party]
We’re so excited to welcome our friends from Ear—ok it’s another robot car everybody. Why do they keep doing this
When you need a dentist who’s also a snake handler. That.
If I wanted to insult a humpback whale I’d call it a ‘quasimofo’ then I would high five myself and probably drown idk I haven’t thought this through.
Me: You’re a cat person aren’t you?
Her: [Completely ignores me]
Me: Knew it!
Me to fly that won’t leave me alone:
there are gross things in the trash – why are you coming after me?
guard 1: choose your path wisely. one of us always lies and one of us alwa-
guard 2: AAAAAAHHH
guard 1: always screams
me: doesn’t that get annoying?
guard 1: *heavy sigh* no it’s actually super awesome
I like my coffee like I like my beaches, Brazilian.
If we can land on Mars then we can figure out how to get someone else to go to the bathroom for me I’m not discussing this further
Me: *listening to the puppy drink water in the next room* you’re creating urine. Please stop
guys I wanna start watching the news but I’ve never seen a single episode and I don’t have time to watch it all before the new season starts can one of you catch me up?
England’s gonna have a rude awakening when they go to war and all their knights are actors and musicians.
Most airlines will give you a complimentary bag of pretzels and a full can of soda, except for flights to Minneapolis. Those ones only serve mini sodas
i am genuinely afraid for the people who post on the shitty food reddit
My favorite part of yesterday was when the cashier at Whole Foods couldn’t price an item & said “Here just take it I hate this fuckin place”
Airports shops be like, sure you’ve got everything? here, buy a surfboard just in case you forgot to pack one
Dogs have a tendency to bark just to hear themselves bark. Reminds me of some people I know.
Just went through a month of transactions on my bank account because someone has been spending my money… and lo and behold – it was me
Some lady brought a gaggle of pre-teens to the movie, sat them down next to us & then sat elsewhere.
I sold them all on the black market.
Personal Trainer- So how have you been cutting your carbs?
Me-Mostly with a bread knife or a pizza slicer
Her: Why do you keep buying iPhones & iPads?
Me: An Apple a day keeps the doctor away
Florida mom delivers 14-pound baby after surprise pregnancy .
Florida?? NO PART of this story surprises me.
Overheard at the coffee shop:
“Do the banana-nut muffins contain nuts?”
Natural Selection, I believe that’s your cue.
when my daughter asks me how much more dinner she needs to eat to get dessert i like to answer in abstract quantities like ‘the average weight of joy’ or ‘seven sunsets’ to teach her that life often doesn’t make sense and also quit sassing me and eat your peas, kid.
google logo keeps changing its appearance because it killed a man in Tampa in 1999 and has to stay ahead of the law
My kids don’t recognize me with my mask on at school pick-ups, so I either have to dress as Waldo everyday or perform the Macarena.
“Honey, remember our first date?”
“Awh, are you planning something for Valentine’s?”
“No, I forgot my password. It’s the security question.”
*lowers car suspension to look more gangster*
*takes 12 minutes to ride over a speedbump*
me: *emerging from a ten year coma*
dad: well look who finally got up