sorry I didn’t answer when you called, I had 6 Peeps in my mouth
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Tried arguing on the internet today.
Wouldn’t recommend it.
0 out of 5 stars.
I don’t need anyone with a so-called degree “to” tell me I use quotes wrong.
Worth the read.
People in Arab nations are still wondering what all the western world hub bub about hump day and camel toe is about.
When people start praying before a meal, I close my eyes and imagine how far I could throw a potato if I really put my heart into it.
I got fired from my job at the keyboard factory.
They said I wasn’t putting in enough shifts.
Charlotte’s Web is the book that inspired a generation of vegetarians. It’s true. I read it when I was 7 & I haven’t eaten a spider since
[car wreck]
[hand reaches out]“Take my hand. I’m Chad Kroeger from the popular band Nickelback.”
[I let the flames slowly bake me alive]
why do men take selfies like they’re being held hostage & can only communicate through their eyes that something terrible is happening
Amazon Prime would be a good title for a Wonder Woman movie.
BOSS: I hate “yes men.”
ME: Yeah. Me too.
BOSS: I like employees who speak their mind.
ME: Yeah. They’re the best.
BOSS: You get me.
ME: Yep
Proper labeling of axes is absolutely crucial.
Milk Cube
Me: It’s going to be a great day!
Life: Yeah, about that…
[Giraffes at gym]
“What do you want to work on today?”
Well we did neck day yesterday, and the day before.
“So…neck day again”
You bet
Husband: I called my boss “Honey” today.
Wife: What? Why?
H: He was shouting at me and telling me I was wrong, and it just slipped out.
If I’m guilty of anything it’s only of loving too much, insider trading, public indecency, treason, arson, jaywalking, piracy & cannibalism.
‘our sage died’ , my wife calls from the garden
‘ok, well, ok’ I say after a desperate mindscroll to be sure we have no children, pets, friends, parents, cousins called Sage
me: yo lemme get somma those THYIICC fries
kfc: you mean potato wedges?
me: yes potato wedges please
I Photoshop paddington into a movie or TV show until I forget: Day 520
This was the best day of my life
Me: people are going to body shame no matter the size so you may as well have some cake
Them: okay, ma’am, but you still can’t bring a sheet cake into the movie theater
me: congrats on running that marathon.
her: thanks. I’m still sore.
me: because you didn’t win?
her:
[when it’s my turn to introduce myself to the group] Hi my name is Tim and I didn’t hear any of your names cause I was so nervous about my turn and I probably won’t hear the next three or so cause I’ll be thinking about the weird way I said “nervous,” glad to be on the team
Me: What do you say when someone shows you a pic of their ugly baby?
Friend: Just make a comment like “Look at all that hair!”
[looking at pic later on]
Me: Look at all that nose!
Its real cute how pedestrians confuse “right of way” with immortality.
Pretty annoying when someone unfollows me before I can conduct their exit interview.
I asked my 6yo to help me open my mail, so he did it and said “there you go Tommy” which would totally make sense if my name was actually Tommy
You don’t realize how much you miss your privacy until you have a toddler hugging you the entire time you pee.
I don’t want to be cremated when I die. I want my body thrown on a group of unsuspecting, cocky teens in a haunted house.