“Sorry I didn’t have a chance to clean up the place,” I say as I wave dismissively at the chalk outline drawn on the living room floor.
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I like to keep my husband on his toes by texting, “How could you do this to me?” at least 2 times per day.
The first time your kids play together quietly and you skip checking in on them is the last time you don’t get up like a bat outta hell to see what’s up.
Beers ranked:
1-First beer after work
2-Post yard work beer
3-Shower beer
4-Vacation beer
5-All other beer
You get what you pay for. Unless the delivery man leaves it on your doorstep. Then the fastest person on your street gets what you paid for.
“It’s hotter than a junkie’s spoon in July”
Excuse me, what kind of Florida metric system are we using now??
My son just told me everyone wishes they had a mother like me and I don’t know if I should hug him or ask him what the hell he did wrong.
me: yeah, i’m into fitness…fitness this whole pizza in my mouth.
executioner: did you plan your last meal around this?
Spice up your confession by changing ‘Father’ to ‘Daddy’
I used to think Calculus was confusing, then I read your last tweet.
oh i’d definitely choose flight over invisibility. i’d fly everywhere! to the living room, the bedroom. back to the living room. everywhere
Imagine you discovered the ability to time travel.
You go 30 years into the future expecting to meet your future self only to discover that you’ve been missing for 30 years.
Me: I can’t do anything right
Therapist: You’re in my chair
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
You ever walk behind someone and you haven’t seen their face yet but you just KNOW they have a mustache
the perfect lunchbox d̶o̶e̶s̶n̶’̶t̶ ̶e̶x̶i̶s̶t̶
October 31st, 2187: Sugar is now illegal. Parents search their kid’s Halloween bags to make sure the razor blades don’t have candy in them.
*popular kid is struggling in class
*gets a tutor to help
*Kool-Aid
[at office Halloween party]
Me: *walks in*
Diane: *faints*
Boss: *drops wine glass*
Kyle: *winks*
Bob: Hey…your hospital gown is on backwards
[baby sitting]
“Hey, yeah it’s me. No, everything’s fine. Just a quick question about his legs.”
“…”
“So how many legs did he have?”
“You’re a ten?”
“On the PH scale, Cuz you basic.”
You’re drunk and trying to outrun the cops on horseback but they eventually catch you because it turns out you’re just on a carousel
Dear Ad Agencies,
Please stop using doorbells in your TV commercials.
On behalf of dog owners everywhere,
Thanks!
romantic comedies are like “he didn’t realize he had feelings for his best friend until she took off her glasses”
i love those posts that are like “would you ruin your life for 1 million dollars???” babe i’m doing it for free
A dead goose is called a ghoost
Dear Tech Support,
I twied to puth my tongue in tha USthB port again. Canth you helpf?
My son fell asleep early, so I’m going to live like I did before having kids!
*cooks on front burner of the stove*
Returns clerk: Was something wrong with this birdseed?
Me: It didn’t grow a single bird.