@SteussieErica: "Sorry I didn't have a chance to clean up the place," I say as I wave dismissively at the chalk outline drawn on the living room floor.
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@Purpell_Nurpell: People are always telling me I look like Hagrid from Harry Potter. I've never seen the movies, but she must be a beautiful gal.
@AK_Holica: Does anyone else's belt turn into a Rubik's cube when they have to piss like a racehorse?
@Sassafrantz: [text] "Just saw this! I'd love to go to dinner!" Him: That was 3 years ago, I have a wife & kid now. "Bring 'em! Sister Wives is my jam!"
@Dawn_M_: If you carry a knife in your mouth, people wont ask you what your Valentines Day plans are.