“Sorry I didn’t have a chance to clean up the place,” I say as I wave dismissively at the chalk outline drawn on the living room floor.
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Me: Ugh HBO is so annoying only releasing one episode at a time so I have to wait a whole week for the next one.
Also me: Ugh Netflix is so annoying releasing the entire series at once so I finish it in 2 days and have nothing to look forward to.
Personal Trainer- So how have you been cutting your carbs?
Me-Mostly with a bread knife or a pizza slicer
My 6yo asked me if she’s gonna have pubic hair one day and when I told her yes she said, “well, I award THAT zero points.” Today she awarded cheese 100 points. This is the only scale I’ll be using from now on.
Attention!! To Whomever has my voodoo doll… I could really use a back rub.
Apparently they don’t want you sipping your beverage from a brown paper bag at work.
A Muslim in London just told me Merry Christmas. I smiled and said and Happy Ramadan to you. A beautiful moment of interfaith harmony and a stunning rebuke of Brexit. Then she said but it’s not Ramadan and I said listen granny stop ruining this fake story I need the retweets.
[at the grocery store] yes i would like one grocery please
I’ve consumed so much raw cookie dough the Pillsbury Doughboy made a pass at me.
My wife is not buying that Russians hacked my phone and texted that her mother is an overbearing windbag with no sense of boundaries.
If my ex had an autobiography it would be called “Mein Cramps”
What, did you NOT SEE that one coming?
My wife handed me a paring
knife to slice some peaches.Apparently we don’t have
a peaching knife.
If a Stork is responsible for bringing babies, what bird prevents them?
A Swallow.
Moves shopping cart to allow car to park
Lady doesn’t even say thanks
Puts cart back behind her car
Leaves.
I told a 5th grader during the school costume parade that I liked her Beetlejuice costume and she said she liked mine too but I’m not wearing one. Today she made a very mediocre enemy.
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking…
6: you’ll always be my mom right?
me: definitely, you’ll always be my baby!
6: what if you’re dead
me: wtf
So a baby crawls across the floor to it’s bottle and it’s cute but when I do it Im in need of an intervention?
midcentury futurists:
technology will one day eliminate human suffering and enable us to live life to its fullest, most joyous potentialtechnology:
ME: [watching tv]
FRIEND: You should turn it on tho
the women in tampon commercials should switch places with the women in antidepressant commercials
I never feel more alive than in those 2 seconds between:
Me: “i’m just gonna say it”
and
My Brain: *you’re an idiot
Everyone should own large grizzly bear in case they ever need to defend themselves against one.
My friends describe me as “I’m sorry, he’s not usually like this.”
I just told the 4yr old to lick her elbow and bought myself five minutes of quiet.
By age 35 you should have at least two thirds of your hard drive space taken up by recursively nested copies of the hard drives from all your previous computers
Much like a fairy tale princess I will sit here and wither away until some man somewhere is brave enough to bring me soup.
Since joining twitter I’ve started 2 new collections ………. Dust and cobwebs !
Abstinence makes the church grow fondlers.
Hit a squirrel with my car on the way home from the grocery store. If I knew that was going to happen, I wouldn’t have bought all this meat.