@robdelaney: “Sorry I didn’t reply to your email Terry, a wolf ripped my hands off… Oh these? Um, I got new hands? Gotta go!”
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@TheRealRHB: Debit card was repeatedly declined at the grocery store today. I was trying to buy vegetables so the bank just assumed the card was stolen
@dafloydsta: Dear Stephanie on Facebook, I do not care that you are watching The Breakfast Club. I only want to know what channel it's on.
@Contwixt: If you tell me your kid is 22 months and I buy it a beer, that's on you. That is your bad.
@bigmacher: #ItsTheEndOfTheWorldAnd I'm going to run with scissors and swim immediately after eating!!!