@robdelaney: “Sorry I didn’t reply to your email Terry, a wolf ripped my hands off… Oh these? Um, I got new hands? Gotta go!”
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@KayRants: If you send multiple one sentence texts, I will mail a raccoon to your face I'm not kidding.
@ManvAlcohol: What happens in Vegas stays on Facebook, Instagram, YouTube, Vine, and medical records.
@KalvinMacleod: WIFE: what’s going on? ME: [locking the door] I haven’t had an apple in 3 days DOCTOR: [outside, stethoscope in hand] I can hear u breathing