“Sorry I didn’t reply to your email Terry, a wolf ripped my hands off… Oh these? Um, I got new hands? Gotta go!”
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#winning
[sees old friend after 4 years]
“God, you were so fat back in school.”
“Yeah, well I lost a lot of it last year.”
“No you didn’t.”
Yes, Kiddo drank her carrot juice, if by “drank,” we mean surreptitiously pouring it into my Boston fern.
You people that are getting sex regularly either need to keep that shit to yourselves or be more descriptive.
sorry about the last 24 hours California, i brought back a mysterious relic from overseas but i’ve destroyed it now
“My favorite sex fantasy starts with you bringing me wine…”
And then?
“Cheese.”
Mmmm and then?
“You close the door from outside.”
Hey doofus, the fashion police called.
Your father died last night on duty.
He wanted you to have this.
“Slim fitting houndstooth peacoat*
[me being lowered into my grave]
the grave:
please input the SMS code we texted so we can make sure it’s you
Me: I’ve found a needle in the haystack! Only took 3 hours.
Her: no this is a 3/4 inch, I need a 5/8’s.
Me: *begins searching again* you really need a better place to store these.
who called them poets and not rhyme machines?
I’d take Cap’n Crunch more seriously if his eyebrows weren’t on his hat.
Me: I really need to stop putting things off to the last minute
Bomb squad: actually, 5 seconds
Steven: I love you
Stephen: I lophe you too
Wait. They gave out a Pulitzer Prize for criticism, and my mother didn’t win it?
Two wolves? Cute. I’ve got 8 pieces of pizza in me
[about to climb Mt. Everest]
Me: omg is there no parking ?
“guilt-free treat” bro i’m eating a cookie, not on trial for murder
*finally drifting off to sleep*
Neighbors dogs at 3AM: BARK BARK BARK-WHO TRYIN’A FUK-BARK BARK BARK
If a girl says she wants to have seggs with you, she means six hard boiled eggs
People moaning about the weather at least it’s not snowing. Imagine shovelling snow in this heat.
[SEXTING]
ME: tell me what you likeHER: I really get off on exhibitionism
ME: OK, cool, weird that museums turn you on but cool
[moving day]
Me: Here we go. Bye house.
Husband: You forgot the kids.
Me: I filled out a change of address card. They’ll find us eventually.
*takes off Scooby-Doo head*
Rivorce?!
Men’s jeans: We have 1000 sizes. What is your waist? What is your height? Where are your hips?
Women’s jeans: We have two sizes, Chickpea and Sycamore
Secret to a successful marriage is to compliment your spouse before discussing tasks and chores
I guess if macaroni had to be named after a body part, elbow was better than some other options.
I’m done with dating sites and am now only focusing on Chinese food delivery people. They have a job, a car, and most importantly Chinese food.
OPEN YOUR EYES, PEOPLE!!
AND LET ME TOUCH YOUR EYEBALL!!!
WHETHER OR NOT I’M AN EYE DOCTOR IS **IRRELEVANT**
Captain America: I got the alert, what’s the emergency?
Avengers: Well, it’s snowing, so…
CA [handing over shield]: Last time! Buy a sled!
If I could time-travel, forget killing baby Hitler. I’d go back to use every come back I ever thought of 10 minutes too late.