@Matt_The_1st: Sorry I didn't reply to your text, I just couldn't find a response that would keep you from sending another
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@TheMichaelRock: Wife: I better see a diamond this Mother's Day Me: say no more *buys baseball tickets*
@ComedicBust: WIFE: Why are you bleeding? ME [recovering alcoholic]: *flashback to sliding across the hood of my car in the Arby’s parking lot* BAR FIGHT
@juliussharpe: The Super Bowl is a great opportunity to let 200 million people know your ad agency sucks.