Sorry I didn’t reply to your text, I just couldn’t find a response that would keep you from sending another
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Bird seed is amazing. I sprinkled some on the garden and when I checked 10 minutes later lots of new little birds had already sprung up.
ME: *points at my “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*
CO-WORKER: *points at his own “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*
ME: *takes a sip from my “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*
CO-WORKER: *sips from his own “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*
ME: [eyes narrow] *draws “World’s Greatest Dad” sword*
Coronavirus is a middle school friend who’s mad at you for some reason but won’t tell you why “because you should know why” & you’re ignoring it & trying to act cool but everyone can see you’re slope shouldered/sad & this metaphor has gotten away from me LARA TELL ME WHAT I DID.
Why do *I* gotta dress for success? Maybe success could be the one who puts a little more into this relationship
Tastes victory
Victory: Eww! Stop licking me!!
My kids are old enough to stay home by themselves, so most of my day is spent refreshing Google Earth to see if my house is on fire.
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
nasa employee: oh hey u guys are back early
astronaut: moon’s haunted
nasa employee: what?
astronaut: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s haunted
Me, mumbling: There’s a reason they don’t let parents drop off teenagers at the fire station.
My fifteen-year-old son: They will never be able to extinguish my fire.
Another day of explaining to mom that New York is big and the footage she saw wasn’t shot on my street.
[being choked to death]
Me: harder
Murderer: wait, what?
Me: again pls
Murderer: ffs, I’m out of here
When the person representing himself in court tries to make the Judge in the case take the witness stand because “only God can judge,” that’s the moment all the hassle of law school is totally worth it.
If people start referring to your outfits as “get-ups,” you might want to start rethinking some of your fashion choices.
Welcome to your 40s: the good news is you only gained a single pound, the bad news is you did it ten times.
Welcome to Flavourtown I’m Gouy Fieouri
*i finally get a girl over*
*dad rolls out from under my bed*
YO SON WHATA YA CALL A PIG WHO DOES KARATE?
“dad no”
A PORK CHOP
ME: *turns around instead of wiping the steam off my bathroom mirror*
SERIAL KILLER BEHIND ME: okay wow way to ruin the moment
Chinese military tactics are pure genius.
I had to quit jogging because I kept dropping my hotdog.
Our new puppy has peed on the floor four times in two hours, beating my previous record by 30 minutes.
“Its swimsuit season” i say, eating another swimsuit
Interviewer: “Are you good at making snap decisions?”
*20 minutes later*
Me: “No.”
An autocorrect with a pulse is called a wife.
[city marathon]
ME *handing out drinks to the passing runners*: DRINK?
RUNNER *grabs drink from me*: THANKS
ME *chasing*: SO WHAT ARE WE?
The guy with the worst grades should get to give a graduation speech too. Let me hear both sides
My sister: You’re either going to die because you sassed the wrong person or petted a dog you shouldn’t have.
Me: Either way, I’m getting bitten in the face.
ME: Good date?
FRIEND: Ok. Until he got undressed
ME: Then what?
FRIEND: [sticks out pinky finger]
ME: Ah. Then he drank tea in a fancy way
moms bragging about their kids like ok we’re just gonna sip our wine and pretend Claire’s kid didn’t just ask how many years she’s been 8 for
Dear women, when you’re not around we load the dishwasher properly.
Sheriff: you mean to tell me you’ve walked into this town for a lame joke set up?
Stranger: things have happened