Sorry I didn’t reply to your text, I just couldn’t find a response that would keep you from sending another
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Make it awkward today by asking people what they did for Valentine’s Day.
When they answer “dinner”, you should say “no…after that”.
[AA meeting]
Ian: …and I’ve been sober for 12 years now.Me: Err… I’m at the wrong meeting.
*start packing up my battery collection*
[a trampoline that allows me to get from the couch to the fridge in one bounce]
You can’t make me happy, mate. You’re not a family sized packet of salty sweet popcorn.
When boxes arrive from Amazon I just tell my husband they’re Christmas presents for him and he doesn’t ask questions.
I should probably buy him something soon.
When I was a child I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child but when I became a man I put away none of those things
My wife bought us a sex swing, and at first I was like “cool”, because I thought maybe we were getting a giant parakeet.
I fed my dogs spaghetti so they could kiss, but instead they’re growling over a cold meatball and not sitting still for my painting.
Friend (seeing my bookcases): Wow, have you read all of these books?
Me: Have you?
Friend: No.
Me: Then yes. Yes I have.
Me: Haven’t shaved for two days. Do I look like McDreamy?
Wife: You look like McHomeless.
Anti-Vaxxer: Hey, did you hear the one about the kid with measles?
Vaccinated person: I don’t get it.
If I was a sniper, I’d probably spend most of my time looking for cats and making them chase my rifle laser pointer from 2 miles away.
Me: Does anyone need to use the restroom?
My kid: I have to poop, but Imma hold it till we get on the plane.
And where the back of the wardrobe should have been, one passed through until the air grew cold and one could feel the brush of pine trees. This Ikea wardrobe is terrible.
Alright. Let’s cut the shit. Who harbinged this doom?
I often fantasize about lying naked in bed, surrounded by various bags of chips and I have octopus arms so I can eat all the chips at once.
A guy I know was flirting with the cashier, and she ignored him. When he said “How about a thank you?” She leaned toward him, and said “It’s printed on your receipt.”
Every so often I’ll tell my son the car is making strange noises and that I need to listen just to get a break from hearing him talk.
an article: “young people”
me (hasn’t been young in a very long time): ah they mean me
I was in a band during the 80s called The Prevention. We were better than the Cure.
Keep your friends close and your enemies under the front wheels of your vehicle.
Life is ruff.
-anonymous dog
Trainer: OK this week we are cutting carbs.
Me: Wait, what – even macaroni & cheese?
Trainer: Ya.
Me: …I think we should see other people.
[first day at coaching job where I lied pretty badly on my resume]
ok guys, get out there & do some of those *looks at clipboard* slum danks
Remember to look both ways before crossing a woman.
FRIEND [happily married]: Marriage is awful… I haven’t had sex in nearly a week
ME [regularly hugs freshly-printed paper just to feel a warm embrace]: Sucks to be you
My husband coughing the moment I got the baby to sleep is why spouses are the number one suspect in homicide cases.
You can’t make this shit up 😩
(photo not mine, nor is the pooh)
Me: *covers up with fleece blanket*
Wife: *rips it off me* This is for the cats
ME: can u pick me up in ur claws
DRAGON: go AWAY dammit
ME: can u just put me in ur mouth pls—I wanna look out from ur teeth like im in jail