As the fridge door was about to shut, I grabbed pizza & barely got my arm out before it closed.
*Legally changes name to Indiana Jones*
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Anime-only: Man, I can’t wait to see more of my fav character!
Manga-reader: Oh man, THAT character, oh buddy oh pal oh buddy. I ain’t gonna say WHAT happens to them, but uh, hehehe, prepare to CRY. I MUST REITERATE, I ain’t spoiling anything, BUT, that character? Hooo boy
Back in my day, we didn’t have apps to tell everyone where we were all the time
We had to actually work for it if we wanted to get murdered
[JAIL VISITATION]
WIFE: I got u a cake
ME: U know I don’t like sugar
W: U need a BREAK, OUT of ur diet
M: It’s not a diet, it’s a lifestyle
Oh you love your mom’s cooking? Name 4 of her dishes.
“HULK WANT LOAN.”
Bank: “We can’t loan to people like you.”
“GREEN SKIN PEOPLE??”
Bank: “No, people who owe 2.6M in property damage.”
pirate: shiver me timbers
me: *crochets a tiny sweater for his peg leg*
Is Lent nearly over? I don’t know how much longer I can hold my breath.
A grasshopper just jumped onto my foot and I reacted like I was being attacked by a shark.
MATH TEACHER: what is half of thirty
ME: thi
In the event of a tornado, put some weiners in your pocket.
That way the search dogs will find you first.
I just got an email from twitter saying they miss me
Ya I miss me too
me: three breakfast sandwiches, two everything bagels, four chocolate donuts, and coffee
drive-thru person: how many coffees?
me: one please
Humans are 58% water. Jellyfish are 95% water. Therefore, humans are 61% jellyfish.
Teacher: you can be anything you want
Me: Beyonce
Her: well, not that
(we stare at each other blankly for 17 min…)
Me: Hi I’m Beyonce
HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…my trench coat?
HR: Try again.
Me: Because I’m naked under my trench coat?
Me: I’m tired
My brain: turn on the tv
Me: but I need sleep
My brain: go pay some bills
Me: I’m so exhausted
My brain: oRgAnIzE yOuR sPiCes
I’m so inactive, my Fitbit sent my family a bouquet of flowers and a sympathy card.
Slicing my strawberry shortcake ice cream bar like it’s wagyu beef
Pretty sure it’s pronounced ASK body spray, thanks.
*discovering flying dinosaur*
PALEONTOLOGIST: We’ll call it pterodactyl, for “wing fingers”
ME: *crumples up note that says skynosaur*
Elmo: Oscar, why are you a grouch?
Oscar: Growing up, my parents were-
*stabs Elmo with broken beer bottle*
CUZ I LIVE IN A TRASHCAN.
Yo. I spit out my drink 😂
BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well, you say you’ve kept everything up to code, but I’ve been speaking with your 4 year old and he informed me the floor is actually lava, which—I don’t need to tell you—is a pretty serious safety violation.
My dad is watching American Pie and the sex scenes are somehow more uncomfortable at 36 than they were as a teen
Teach your children to beatbox
Played twister with my kids and now hold the world record for saying, “That’s not your left foot” a billion times.
*KFC*
Me: how tender is the chicken?
Employee: [points to chicken crying watching the notebook]
People judge public housing, but it’s cheap and your neighbors sell you drugs so I’m not sure I see the problem…
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
[climbing inside trojan horse]
general: NO, THE WOODEN ONE!