Sorry I didn’t text you back, my hands are sore from karate chopping loaves of bread in half and feeding them to starving children all day.
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Future Headline:
“Trump Caught On Tape Eating Newborn Babies,
Hillary Caught Using Friend’s Netflix Password
Undecideds Still On The Fence”
Enter new password
“336Hours”
Your password is two weeks
As I looked at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself:
“I’m going to get thrown out of this home depot in a minute.”
Twitter- Have you ever slept with a married man?
Me- Never, just ask my husband.
Sorry I’m late, I was waiving my hands at a paper towel dispenser that turned out to not be automatic.
me: babe watch me flip this omelette!
her: cool
me: now watch me kick flip this omelette!!
her: sick!!!
*a caveman walking along a trail sees another set of footprints. he stops & shakes his head*
the traffic has gotten so bad here.
Just went to the water fountain at this IKEA, only to find 2 hydrogen fountains and an oxygen fountain.
During a full Moon a house turns into a warehouse
This lady in Walgreens is staring at me like she’s never seen anyone put on deodorant and then put it back on the shelf.
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
This year I have a few special people on my list that will get expired gift cards wrapped up with tons of glitter.
You make a compelling argument, Morty.
Noah: I need 2 of every animal
Shark: even us?
Noah: no, you can swim
Unicorn: I’m pretty good at swimming
Noah: go for it
I don’t need WebMD to tell me what’s wrong with me, I have my mother.
They really need to stop hyping up these storms because I bought a lot of doritos and the power didn’t even go out.
I hate long distance relationships so I’m moving the fridge to my bedroom.
St. Patrick’s Day: the day the Venn diagram for people who touch my hair for luck and the number of times I throat punch someone is just a circle.
imagine breaking a piñata open and a bunch of greek soldiers fall out
‘I just liked camping alone, you know?’
~Jason Voorhees, in therapy
Always be yourself. Unless you can be Batman.. Then be Batman.
me: *tries to schedule car maintenance online*
website: we need you to call for that
me: *calls*
phone message: we’re busy, use the website
me: screams into the void
the void: please use the website
Today my 6yo said it was good it’s snowing, as that means the earth isn’t getting hotter, and tonight she starts as an anchor on Fox News.
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: *sliding off of elephant* Zoo wants its elephant back?
COP: *nodding* The zoo wants its elephant back.
when I say “I want a boyfriend” I mean that I want to magically wake up one day in a peaceful and balanced 5 year relationship, not that I want to date or meet people or put in the effort towards making it a tangible reality
Ke$ha in different currencies:
Ke£ha,
Ke€ha,
Ke¥ha.
Lucky she chose USD… British KePoundHa or Vietnamese KeDongHa might sound a bit odd
I stick pins and needles in the people I don’t like because can’t afford voodoo dolls.
*after 12 tequila shots*
Left eye – It’s PARTY TIME!!
Right eye – I’m beat, I’m going to lie down in the corner