@JermHimselfish: Sorry I didn't text you back, my hands are sore from karate chopping loaves of bread in half and feeding them to starving children all day.
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@MableGertrude: I'm not saying you're on twitter too much, but your six-year-old is running an arms trade with the Mexican drug cartel out of his tree fort.
@thatdutchperson: [Stares deeply into date's eyes before going to the bathroom] "I've counted these fries."
@IronballsMcGinT: A man was arrested for publicly exposing himself to the "wrong person," which implies somewhere out there the right person is waiting.