Sorry I didn’t text you back, my hands are sore from karate chopping loaves of bread in half and feeding them to starving children all day.
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I got you a new pair of cement shoes!
Go ahead, try em on real quick…
doctor: *handing me newborn baby* do you have a name for him?
me: uhhh *looking around room* mop
doctor: it can be whatever you want
me: stegosaurus
doctor: hell yeah there we go
If you have twin girls and don’t dress them like in “The Shining” and make them stand in hallways, you’ve squandered a precious gift.
CHRISTMAS FAIL: My son came into my toolshed to say goodnight & saw the box to the radio controlled monster truck Santa got him. I panicked & said I liked his so much I bought myself one and was charging it so we could race in the morning. Now I’m off to Target to buy another one
*weigh myself*
Hmmmm…
*weigh myself on different scales and am two pounds lighter*
Ah these are more accurate…
when the waiter comes by to see how the food tastes and I’m not ready
My friend got stung by a jellyfish so I took a massive shit on his leg & he forgot all about the jellyfish.
Why would a straight guy hate gay guys?
Here’s a group of men who look better than you.. but don’t even want women.
You should be glad.
If James Bond is so great why doesn’t he have a Pringles flavor.
My 11 y/o daughter just casually told me she wants to start a company where people can order bacon, ham and sausage delivered to their house and call it “Hamazon.” This is why the world has billionaires.
7yr old: Mum, what happens if you eat lots of tinsel?
Me: probably emergency surgery to prevent obstruction somewhere in your digestive system.
7yr old: *blank face* *small voice* you get tinselitis.
Damn girl are you a bra because ur very supportive but I can’t figure out how to get you off
People are asking me questions like they can’t see the FULL cup of coffee on my desk.
Me: *wearing my Burger King crown
Passport photographer: No
i’d give up everything to be a small anthropomorphic woodland animal wearing victorian clothes living in a little house in a meadow and my neighbour is a goose wearing a bonnet and my only worry is will my apple pie be ready for when mrs owl comes visit me for tea time
Survey: Are you a Democrat or a Republican?
Me: Labels are for soup cans
Survey: Can you tell us which way you’re leaning?
Me: Clam chowder
Do you know what’s cooler than those fake chains around your license plate?
Everything. Every single thing in the world.
*gets coronavirus* but that’s impossible i have toilet paper
Finding a human tooth in my fortune cookie was just the beginning.
“conference” comes from the Latin “con” meaning “together with” and “ference” meaning “the worst people on earth”
Everybody: *Was Kung Fu fighting*
Everybody: *Hurts*
My 3yo, who has to have everything read aloud to him, opened a fortune cookie tonight that said, “The path to success lies in taking a bath without fussing or throwing water out of the tub and getting out nicely with no crying.” what are the ODDS
My daughter hates bread crust so today I put a little extra effort in my sandwich making and I cut off the crust for her because I love her. She’s so sweet and showed her gratitude by eating around her sandwich like it had a crust. I just can’t win at this game.
Interviewer: We offer great benefits.
Me: Can I take my two weeks vacation before I start?
The bank robbery would have ended much better for me if I hadn’t stopped on the way out at the ATM to deposit the money.
Interviewer: It says on your resume “attention to detail”
Me: Uh huh.
Interviewer: And right below that it says “attention to detail”
I never thought you could get your hand stuck in a ukulele
But here we are
The camera adds 10 pounds. The front facing iPhone camera adds 437 pounds.
Peregrine falcons: Attack from above. Prey on smaller birds. Silent. Cowards.
Geese: Will land in front of a full grown man. Hiss and honk to let you know battle has commenced. Audible boss music. Brave.
[me on a ledge]
COP: (through megaphone) WE’VE CALLED SOMEONE WHO CAN HELP!
*Kris Kross steps out of a police van*