Sorry I don’t remember your name, I was concentrating too hard on shaking hands, making eye contact and not mispronouncing my own.
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[in a bar]
Him: Trouble is my middle name.
Me: wow… That’s a stupid middle name. You must hate your parents.Him: *breaks down crying
Confusing prank: Obtain a grizzly bear, name it Love then call 911 and say that Love is tearing you apart
Me: What does that cloud look like to you?
3-year-old: A cloud.
Me: No, what do you imagine it could be?
3-year-old: Rain.
[talking loudly on my phone trying to distract the security guard during bank robbery] no no. dunston checks in is about the monkey. jaws is about the shark
Want to piss your girlfriend off?
Text her “He’s busy.” and turn off your phone.
Don’t ask a pregnant lady “do you know the sex?” obviously she knows about sex she’s pregnant you stupid idiot
“Be nice to everyone…
You never know who might have a pool.”
-Mahatma Gandhi
There are 2 types of people in this world: those that can parallel park on the 1st try and those that don’t think they are better than everyone else.
[buying a wood chipper]
ME: So does blood splatter everywhere when a body goes in?
SALESMAN: What?
ME: What?
If you’re a bicyclist, probably the best thing that can happen is you put your arm out to signal a turn and a falcon perches on your wrist.
My dog is home alone for the first time today. I wish I knew how he was doing, but he won’t answer my texts.
What flavor cupcake are these
Judge: Call your next witness
Prosecutor: The state calls Shakira’s hips
Judge: *whispering to bailiff* You don’t have to swear this one in
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘effusive’
“E-F-F-U-S-I-V-E”
That is correct. What was your name?
“It’s Siv”
I know lmao [hi5s other judge]
Me & my mate are Scots. We were visiting England & got arrested for being drunk and disorderly. The English cops really believed our names (in Scottish accent) were Ben Doon and Phil McAvity. We were only rumbled when the Scottish desk sergeant at the station burst out laughing.
Mom: What are you hiding in there?
-nuthin
[Vin Diesel noises from closet]
M: Is Vin Diesel in there?
-…yes
Vin Diesel: [from closet] No.
I have about 5 different personalities and not one of them can find my car keys.
Cargo shorts need insulated side pockets so people can always have access to a hot and tasty pork chop.
If I ever get trampled to death by a herd of cattle I want my obituary to say I was pasturized. Thanks.
Buck naked
Daughter: Dad take this Buzzfeed quiz and find out which Spice Girl you are.
Me: I already know…I’m Hospice.
Daughter:
Me: trump keeps obfuscating the truth
Wife: i see you learned a new word
Me: i obfuscately did
Wife:
Me: what are we obfuscating for dinner
ranch dressing should be somehow condensed and solidified into fry shapes and fries should be pureed into a dipping sauce for them. assassins from every government on the planet are converging on my apartment as I type
[at funeral] You really had to see him live
The upstairs neighbors had a lovers spat this morning.
All I know is next time he better clean out the lint trap before he puts anymore clothes in the dryer.
Today i started stalking guys. Not for any gay reason but it’s so much easier to do. Women always complain, guys don’t suspect a thing.
Ok but actually
The pig jumped into bed with my 6-year-old all by herself.
It was super cute.
Then the pig threw up all over her.
Considerably less cute.
Some people exercise on purpose by rowing little boats.
Canoe believe that?
my grandpa lived on the ninth floor of his building and he’d still tell you to get off his lawn