imagine giving a baby gold then watching a guy whose present is a drum solo and realizing how badly you overshot it
You Might Also Like
1. Rent storage unit
2. Procure 3 bodies at morgue
3. Place bodies in storage unit
4. Stop making payments
5. Wait. Best Storage Wars Ever
“OMG, it’s so big!”
(Your ego)
Can someone make a voodoo doll of me and send it off to the gym?
I never know at which syllable to stop when saying banananananana
I don’t care what color or creed you are. Or what your religion is. Do not eat my work sandwich.
That curb was easily going 30 mph when it hit my car.
Times are tough. My hot soup delivered on a unicycle business is filing for bankruptcy.
Nobody:
My husband: That’s it. I’m going to bring back jean shorts.
The Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Dressing for the job I want…
The Wife: PUT YOUR CLOTHES ON.
Grandma: can you call out the bingo numbers?
Me: idk i’ve never done it B4
Gma: holy shit you’re a natural
the worst pressure is when you’re replying to a text with a word you can’t spell and you know they’re going to wonder why it took you 5 minutes to type “I’ll bring hors d’oeuvres”
There are many puddles in my city right now and I have very quickly learned I have holes in my shoes.
I’m a math truther now. Infinity is a lie. Numbers stop at 39.
Remember before Amazon reviews when you could just buy a toothbrush without 6 hours of research?
i wanna smoke whatever the people who got hype about seeing a bird and a plane before they realized it was superman were smoking
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their Gods lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
My kitchen drawer was stuck but my husband got it open. I guess all it needed was a big jerk.
[wedding reception]
BEST MAN: *making a toast* please raise your glasses
CLARK KENT: oh no
[highspeed chase]
ANCIENT GREEK COP: Damn they’re getting away *turns on Siren*
[several nearby ships are lured to their doom]
IT: I’m hanging up
Me: is it because I called it my lappy tappy
IT: *dial tone*
Protip: Women do not consider puffer fish to be a cute pet name or compliment.
My 11yo just asked me if I was gonna be a “single Pringle” forever and I’m laughing so hard I can’t even be mad.
Got drunk and did my taxes, i am getting back 1 zillion dollars, 2 slaves, and somehow the state of Rhode Island, this can’t be right.
Do I want to join the Illuminati, bot?
I AM the Illuminati.
can u believe that 6 months ago we just let random people breathe on us
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
— Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
Today was so terrible, I thought
Steven Seagal was in it.
My daughter, age 6, is into playing Would You Rather and her questions are not for the faint of heart, i.e., “Would you rather have eyes, or a grandma?”
Girl1: Why are you so happy?
Girl2: I was complimented on my driving today. Someone left a note on my windshield that said “Parking Fine”
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: *takes deep breath*