Who does Amazon think I am?
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Ah, I see my old arch nemesis, the bottom of the bottle, has arrived.
A hangover so good you crawl out of the bedroom naked and sleep for 6 more hours on the kitchen floor.
me: *stepping out of a time machine* I hope I didn’t change anything
t-rex wearing a little lab coat: me too
Sign at work today
[shipwreck diary]
Day 32: a plane flew over last night but I fired the only flare on day 5 to celebrate my first solid shit in over a week
Pro-Tip: if you check yourself into the asylum you get a bed, good meds and three squares a day without having to do any chores.
My husband just reminded me that we have fish sticks which is awesome because I was worried I didn’t have anything to pack my kids for lunch that they wouldn’t eat
ignorant poors: We need money! Money is so important!
wise rich man: More important than a delicious orange? more important than a beautiful day at the lake house, or a humble Rolls-Royce Phantom?
Fact: ants can lift 20 times their body weight, more if a bro is spotting them.
KiK? Nope. I only joke about divorce. I’m not committed to it actually happening.
This lady was being so rude to me in the grocery line so rather than say anything to her, I invited everyone behind her to go ahead of me. Today, I had time.
Cause of death: Trying to draw eyebrows on the neighbor’s cat.
Please stop bullying people into watching TV shows where you just have to make it through the first 3 seasons before it starts getting good.
I’m gonna be a professional farmer when I grow up. I’ve been wanting to get in that field for years.
The cool thing about driving 15 mph in a school zone is that it makes it so much easier to text.
My college roommate made a student film about a guy’s life falling apart from drugs. A neighbor saw the baking soda lines on the Frankenstein poster in my room. She whispered, “Is Jake ok? Now I know why he looks so strung out.” “It’s fine, he’s just an engineering student.”
Women are too difficult, I’m gonna marry a poptart
9: Mom, why are all those girls standing on their tiptoes?
Me: Because they’re ballet dancers
9: Why didn’t they just get taller girls?
Ugly sweater day at work. I’m wearing a new, really nice expensive sweater but walking around saying “ugh, please, this old thing.”
*checks BMI chart*
*adds “get taller” to New Year’s resolutions*
“Umm, what are you doing? Can you not? Seriously, get off me!”
– The first horse ever ridden (probably)
Why have I gained weight? I don’t get it. Is it the extra butter on the bread? The extra ham on the butter? The extra cheese on the ham? The extra mayo on the cheese? What?
Me: hi
Person who just got back from Europe: It was life changing. thank you for asking
o/ = Cheering
/o = The Scream
/o/ = Superman
_o_ = Jesus
lol = I surrender, and I’m laughing out loud about it.
I met a pet turtle at the park and I asked the guy if he brings it there to play on the swings and slides, and he responds: “No ma’am, turtles don’t use swings and slides”, and I can’t believe he called me ma’am
If you have more than 4 kids I automatically refer to you as a hoarder.
airlines should have an option where you can book distances rather than just destinations. here’s 100 bucks, take me as far as that’ll get me. just drop me in the Atlantic ocean, I’ll figure it out.
I love sipping margaritas by the pool. Or, as my neighbor with a pool calls it, “Trespassing.”
Why call it income when it outgo from bank account so fast?
I’ll be so happy when 2020 is over in a few years