@runolgarun: "Sorry, I fail to see how I 'misled' you when my profile CLEARLY says I'm 'a total cat person'?" - half-cat/half-person being after bad date
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@TheHyyyype: [picking her up for a date] ME: you should know that i have a baby from another marriage HER: really? ME: yes, but the parents haven't realized it yet so we gotta hurry, get in
@bencoffeehall: If peeing was an Olympic event, I would win gold. But then I would miss the awards ceremony because I was taking a leak.
@PajamaStew: Twitter is the only place where it's actually BORING to discover that you are being followed by hundreds of robots.
@Mr_Kapowski: *shaking wife awake* Me: Hey, just wanted to let you know, stop screaming, the heater is broken so that’s why I’m wearing this ski mask