Sorry I faked my death during the middle of your boring story.
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Fridges have magnetic doors because kids used to get stuck in them. We now literally have to tell adults not to eat tide pods.
As it turns out, ‘harder’ is a terrible safe word
Cop: anything in your pockets that might hurt me?
“Nah”
*cop pulls out a pic of his ex GF and suspect*
Cop: *wiping tears* I’m over it
[Twister]
DOG 1: left paw green
DOG 2: i told u this was a terrible idea
DOG 1: cmon Jim just pick the green one
DOG 2: THEYRE ALL GREY GARY
My husband gets me to scream his name by doing his signature move of not leaving any toilet paper in the bathroom.
My 6 year old is telling me a story, oh wait, now he’s 9.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you guys are looking to protect your feet while walking on rough terrain, check out “shoes”
One day I hope to be doing so well that people accuse me of being a clone
Check your privilege
Mom. Dad. I like my coffee like I like my women. I don’t like coffee. I’m gay.
me: [staring at myself in the mirror, trying to figure out who i truly am]
my reflection: soooooo what are we
Releasing a bunch of snakes in my neighborhood because I feel like the chatter on NextDoor is getting a little stale.
*Runs a bath
Me: ok, jump in
3: it’s too hot
*Adds cold water
Me: Ok, get in
3: it’s too cold
Apparently I gave birth to Goldilocks.
Women: ugh, my period again
Me: In highschool I had 6 periods a day – No big whoop
Poor character written by an author who has experienced poverty: My problem is that I’m $300 short on the rent and now my car is making a noise
Poor character written by a rich author: My problem is that I feel so inferior beside these beautiful, sophisticated rich people
{Me as a therapist}
HIM: Women don’t like me.
ME: Have you tried becoming a dress with pockets?
It’s reached a point where my local Krispy Kreme sends first responders to my house if I go more than two days without buying donuts.
cars have windows and can move. houses have windows and can’t move. so it’s not the windows that make the car go, it’s something else entirely
Mysteries of #Gravity: Why Bullock’s hair, in otherwise convincing zero-G scenes, did not float freely on her head.
wife: [talking & making baby noises at cat]
me: you must be bored af
wife: no I’m not
me: I was talking to the cat
Kindly respect my midwestern lifestyle and do not make any crude or irreverent jokes at this time.
I cannot breath, walk, or bend over but DAYUM these skinny jeans look good.
“WHY ARE THEY STEALING OUR TRASH!?”
~ My kid, horrified that the garbage men are doing their job.
I’ve been sleeping w my laundry for like 4 days
We are dating
I’m gonna start a woman’s monthly magazine called “Period”, and some months I will send it out late to freak out subscribers
You know what they say about a guy with big hands?
He can carry more cheeseburgers.
This could be the whiskey talking but I don’t think I should be jury foreman.
ME: a guy at work broke his jaw and has to eat all his meals through a straw
WIFE: wow that sucks
ME: i know what a straw does linda
Rome wasn’t built in a day but it couldn’t have taken as long as the too slow car wash.