Sorry I gave you a sympathy card at your baby shower, but… well you’ll see soon enough.
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“Girl, same.”
– Midwife, handing a mother the second of her newborn identical twins.
“Can you move it? Then it’s not broken. Go play.”
– Dad Medicine 101
You wanna do stuff with toys in bed? Let’s do it; I’ve already got like 3 hot wheels cars and a Barbie in there right now, so….
My favorite part of football is when players “look to God.”
Because He’s all, “I can’t do shit for the Middle East but I’m rooting for YOU.”
I should get paid a lot more for being the boss of me
Horrifying if literal: Robert Burns
Holmes: “I say, old bean, is that mud on your boots?” Watson: “No, shit, Sherlock”
[First Date]
Her: Your Tinder profile says you’re a great listener
Me: Really. Ugh. That’s a typo. It should say I’m a “great listener.”
rich people: be like me, invest in stocks
also rich people: no not like that
Here’s a poem in the shape of a Christmas tree. It’s called ‘Needles’.
Just replaced my mailbox with a trash can.
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
I’ve been saying I’ll sleep when I’m dead for so long, I’m starting to really look forward to dying.
STOP talking shit about F•R•I•E•N•D•S
Rachel is KIND
Monica is NURTURING
Joey is CONSIDERATE
Phoebe is TALENTED
Ross
Chandler is FUNNY
How do u make a Pirate angry?
Take the P out of him.
Halloween: The one day I can flap my arms like a bat and nobody asks any questions.
GOP threatens to shutdown government unless Obama changes color of skin.
Passing by a group of ladies:
*conversation stops*
Walking back by:
*conversation stops*Me *giddy* I take their breath away!
Boss: I need you to work late.
Me: [sprays her with Pepsi]
B: You’re fired.
Me: So I don’t have to work late?
B: No.
Me: [winks at camera]
[Trapped on a Island]
*Message in a bottle*
“Please send help!”*Gets message back, months later*
“Linda invited you to play Candy Crush”
Pro tip:
Ask your boss if you can go home early since you’re not going to do anything anyways.
I hate it when I’m trying to take a selfie and somebody calls my camera.
[at Waldo’s trial]
Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page
INTERVIEWER: when u read a good book, wat kind of things do u pictur in ur head
ME: [pausimg for a split second too long] words
optimus prime: [doing standup] i just flew in from new york and boy are my arms tires
Cats don’t come with instructions, so how is anyone supposed to know you can’t put them in the washing machine.
If there’s a “Mr.” in front of your cat’s name you’re going to die alone.
Nerds were always ugly or goofy looking. Then from nowhere emerged the hot girl nerd and the limitations of Nerdom crumpled before our eyes.
I have the vim and vigor of someone the age that would use the words vim and vigor.
I gave my dog a bath about an hour ago and you should SEE the glares I’m getting