@MrsTomServo: Sorry I got confused & grabbed your fist bump like a doorknob.
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@Sarcasticsapien: I'm not saying I'm antisocial, but even when someone asks me how I'm doing I just tell them to Google it.
@flashember: Wife: Sleep tight, don't let the bed bugs bite! Me: Haha funny. [under the mattress] Bed Bug King: TONIGHT WE DINE IN HELL *tiny drums bang*
@Sal0630: Me: I'm gonna make a salad Her: I think the lettuce went bad [opens fridge] [lettuce flicks a cigarette, hops out & pulls a switch blade]
@bracealmighty: My mate called me an idiot for always getting my idioms wrong but it takes one to know someone.