Sorry I got confused & grabbed your fist bump like a doorknob.
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Ok, I’m finally off dairy. Next is sugar, then heroin.
the boston alphabet is only 25 letters because they threw the t in the harbor
“It’s ok to double dip if you eat the whole bowl of chips & salsa by yourself!”
I shout as I swat my date’s hand away
“Blind dates are fun!”
Sitting here eating blueberries
wondering if my brain is improving
Doubt it…..
took too long to spell doubt
Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
Why aren’t more people talking about this?
Kill me once, shame on you. That’s pretty much it.
ME: excuse me did you say this was non-GMO
WAITER: yes that’s right
ME: [pointing to my alphabet soup] there’s like a dozen of them in there
“Get your fax straight!” – a tweet that would have been so funny in 1987
Some people age like wine, others age like milk.
I have, a really beautiful body
under my floor boards
You were the hot single in your area the whole time.
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Aether is both a noun and a verb.
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My husband just screamed NOOOOOO so loud I thought something was horribly wrong. Don’t worry you guys, no one is injured, someone just hit their ball in the water at the Master’s.
I’m really good at acting like I’m sorry the elevator door is closing and you missed it.
(runs into somebody at the grocery store I haven’t seen in awhile)
Them: oh my god hey what are you up to?
Me: … I’m grocery shopping. What does it look like?
I can understand why chickens wake up and scream
Friend: Man he drinks like a fish.
Me: [crouched in a tiny pirate castle with a 12 pack] I’m freaking the hell out.
When I’m old, I’m gonna giggle uncontrollably, squirm, and go all sack of potatoes on my son when he tries to get me in the car as payback.
friend: you have to stop envying every single person you know when they find success in something you haven’t. it’s destroying your mental health and poisoning your relationships with your friends.
me: (immediately envious of their maturity and clarity of thought) right. totally
hey can i get an ETA on that this too shall pass?
*laughing* I bought a baby gate (to keep the dog from eating the cat’s food) but forgot to tell my son. A box was delivered with the words “BABY GATE” on it. I was running errands so he saw the box. I got a call from my horrified son asking “OMG NO Why do you need a BABY gate?”
So it’s okay for the cat to run away and hide under the bed when visitors turn up.
But when I do it, I’m “antisocial”.
I call bullshit.
Yeah, I’m allergic to wheat, but I really like it so I eat it anyway. I’m a real gluten for punishment.
Though this is probably not what Nietzsche had in mind, you cannot unsee this
Girl, are you Excel? Because I claim to know you but I’m probably oblivious to 98% of what you’re able to accomplish
Nobody loves a thunderstorm more than a teenager who promised to mow the lawn today.
trying to cheat on my philosophy final by texting my friend who took it last year: “hey man, how ought one to live”
ʎɐqǝ uo pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ ʎnq ı ǝɯıʇ ʇsɐן ǝɥʇ sı sıɥʇ
what I look like when I sleep with my mouth open