Sorry I got discombobulated.
I’m rebobulated now.
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fred flinstone (my landlord): the rent is due
me: say it
fred: pls no
me: i’m not paying
fred: *sighs* the rent is yabba dabba due
me: haha
he was a gator boy
she said catch you later boy
she was with animal control
KiK? Nope. I only joke about divorce. I’m not committed to it actually happening.
best lyric of all time is when elton John was like “if I was a sculptor, but then again no” like pls I’m on the edge of my seat .. what were you going to do as a sculptor Elton!?!!!
Today I’m grateful that I fit through my doggie door and that my bulldog didn’t bite my face off as I was making my way through
You can’t spell fries without friends. I guess what I’m saying is that fries are friends. Delicious friends.
I’m 43 years old and still ask if I’ll need a shot and expect a lollipop every time I go to the doctor.
ME: I’ve fallen for you.
JIU JITSU INSTRUCTOR: you’re terrible at this.
Judge: I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation
Me: *floating*
BOSS: You ok?
ME: Yeah, why?
BOSS: You have a sign that says “2 Days Without Being Annoyed”
[maintaining eye contact, I change it to 0]
When I pack too much for a short trip.
Panda bears are proof that it’s okay to be kind of an idiot as long as you’re super adorable
Son: What IS it?
Daughter: Dunno. Maybe a possum?
S: Should it be that color?
D: Try poking it.
Me: I’M NEVER COOKING FOR YOU GUYS AGAIN.
If you yell “DIE” when killing a spider, it dies faster.
In every artist’s depiction of a meteor that caused the extinction of the dinosaurs, there’s always one T-Rex looking up at it like “That can’t be good.”
wife: “this is really your idea of an anniversary present?”
me: [on the other walkie talkie] “you didn’t say over, over”
It is what it is. Unless it’s cauliflower. Then it is what it isn’t.
Mission Control: Stand by for launch in 5-4-3
Astronaut: WE’RE NOT READY YET
MC: Why?
Me: [in background] No way man seatbelts are for nerds
I often choose gift bags instead of wrapping, not just out of laziness, but also because I have the fine motor skills of a drunken panda.
I’m buying a gallon of organic milk and now I don’t know how to tell my family that I’m out of money for Christmas gifts
Sorry pregnant ladies, all of your 3D ultrasounds look like Gollum in an Ikea lampshade.
If I ever have to have heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
Girls want a bad boy to fix.
Boys want a good girl to corrupt.
Me? I just want a rumbustious monkey as a butler.
Is #GoHomeIndianMedia really trending? Can we respond with #NoPleaseYouKeepThem or #OkFineWhereElseCanWeSendThem
My bank statement is just a record of everything I’ve eaten for the last month.
“Morning, how was your weekend?”
My wife just discovered that Idris Elba playing James Bond was just a rumor and that he has no desire to “dress that fine and fight like that so [she] can watch him.”
Please respect our privacy in this difficult time.
Life lesson: do not tile your kitchen floor the same colour as a Cheerio
If you’re forcing me to choose between you and my dream of making a sequel to the 1982 horror classic then you’ve got another Thing coming.
Keep yelling “dance!” and shooting at my feet, tough guy. I studied tap for 9 years and you’re going to look like an idiot.