Sorry I got discombobulated.
I’m rebobulated now.
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“Wow, it smells like *sniff* wait what the?”
*Rips blind fold off and sees house burning down*
“Omg!”
Narrator: The power of Febreeze
Game of Thrones, at its core, has always been a show about how much it sucks to be a horse
Him: What the hell is a palindrome?
Me: No, it’s not
[In Court]
Does the Defense have any last words?
*defense rises* DE-FENSE
*Judge holds up picket fence*
DE-FENSE
*Jury starts The Wave*
Thank god for cauliflower rice. Finally a way to chew hot water
ME: please show me the posts in the order that they were made
COMPUTER: thats too hard. heres some tweets i think are good. Do you like this
me: i just don’t know if should i spend $35
him: on what?
me: more books
him: if you’re going to read them
me: …that’s not the point
“It’s possible to touch birds!” I say suddenly. My coworkers stare at me. I wander outside to touch some birds.
wife: its ruining date night
me: its ruining date night because you’re letting it ruin date night
hitchhiker: just drop me off on the corner
Kids today will never know what it’s like to have a 3rd grade teacher who teaches every subject and even serves as dentist on fluoride day.
Be extra nice to retail workers this week. It’s not their fault you waited until the last minute to shop for a holiday that has fallen on the same day every year since you were born
billy joel: we didn’t start the fire
detective: I haven’t mentioned a fire
billy joel: shit
If you don’t agree with someone’s religious beliefs, just dance really hard in front of them like they did in Footloose and they’ll absolutely change their minds
This is the one week you can throw a charred corpse in the garbage without people asking a lot of questions.
A moment of silence for the paycheck that was in my account for five minutes.
Them: Hey girl what’s your sign
Me: McDonalds Open 24 hours
Me *checking restaurant bill* we’ll split this
Her: What, really?
Me: It’s fairer
Her: But I didn’t have wine
Me: You had dessert though
Her: I am 6 years old
Me: Get your money out
Food just tastes better upside-down
1. upside-down cake
2. hamburgers
3. not cereal tho
4. oh no cereal is everywhere
5. why did I do this
Thank goodness I have subtitles on, otherwise how would I know there is sinister cackling
someone’s job on Star Trek TNG was sourcing ridiculous little cups and they were incredible at it
Every raccoon is either planning a heist or in the middle of a heist.
My daughter has started a fun new game where she tries to guess my age with random numbers like 72 or 94. So fun.
Judas has been acting weird the last few days.
Sometimes I wear my panties over my skinny jeans so I feel like a sexy superhero. And so strangers won’t talk to me at the grocery store.
I’m thinking about getting an arm tattooed on my snake.
Me: *struggling to focus on my yoga pose*
Cockroach: *crawls out of my yoga mat toward the instructor*
God: Noah, I need an ark.
Noah: Why don’t you ask Joseph, the carpenter?
God: Uh [huge grin] cos I’m banging his wife? [raises hand] up top?
Saw a UPS guy come out of the forest with a package. Guess a bear does ship in the woods.
Who said “do something each day that scares you?” I need them to explain to my wife how I got a shark pregnant
If the Earth was really flat, all the cats would have pushed everything off it by now.