SORRY I GOT IN THE VAN AND ATE ALL OF THE CANDY AND NOW YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH ME.
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MOVING IS AWESOME
I GET TO PACK UP ALL MY THINGS AND SLOWLY REALIZE THAT THE MATERIAL GOODS I SPENT YEARS WORKING TO AFFORD HAVE BECOME AN ANCHOR FROM WHICH I WILL NEVER BE FREE
OH AND I MUST FORWARD MY MAIL
Thanks for the swallow!
-bird collectors (you perv!!!)
A movie so damn long that you’re called for a Covid booster shot halfway through it.
[Preparing for a heist]
Boss: Whoa! You brought in new guys? They aint gonna squeal are they?
Me *with a gang of doves*: Naw man, they coo
I just accidentally dropped a bit of sausage on the floor and the dog immediately swooped in and hoovered it up, which amazed me because I had no idea she knew how to operate it.
Opening a package of cheese within 2 miles of my dog is the plot to A Quiet Place 2
Husband: Can these gel packs go in the microwave?
Me: Absolutely.
*gel pack explodes*
Me: Why would you listen to me? I can’t put my pants on without falling over.
5 told me they read Pinocchio at school and that Pinocchio’s nose got big if he lied, then she looked at me and said “wow mummy you must have lied a lot”
the annoying thing about the top secret documents is that now we’re all talking about them and i’m just like, omg what do they say???? and i keep forgetting we’re not allowed to know and that’s the whole point. but like, just tell me!!!! i won’t tell i swear
I admire women with the restraint to draw on their eyebrows. I wouldn’t be able to stop until I’d added glasses and a moustache.
Kids…you can be happy about it being the last day of school, but you’ll never be as happy as the teachers.
This is my cat’s medicine.
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
My girlfriend told me to take a spider out instead of killing it. We went and had some drinks. Cool guy. Wants to be a lawyer.
“Dayyuuuum Giiiiirrrl… Did you fall from Heaven?”
*pokes body with stick*
My bank assures me my money is safe with them, yet they keep their pens chained to desks and most of them are missing.
If I could ask God for one thing, it would probably be power equal to or greater than his own.
Lmao at people who ‘play Devil’s advocate’ like Lucifer doesn’t already own all the lawyers.
him: there is something wrong, but I can’t quite put my finger on it
me: do I need a proctologist with longer arms, then?
I don’t got that dog in me. I got that cat in me. Bam knocked your water cup right off the counter. Now I’m gonna take a nap
A plus of getting older is not having to make as much small talk bc half the conversation is spent asking the other person to repeat what they just said
A new survey shows that 37% of people would let a bird poop on them for good luck. Which makes more sense than the other 63%, who are just in it for the experience.
“Please be aware that we are experiencing higher than average call volume”
*connects*
Agent: Hello
Me (whispering): hello
*at museum*
Date: this place is so cool, what’s your favourite exhibit here?
Me: I like the room with all the fluffy things
Date: the what? Wait do you mean the coat room? Dude they have spaceships and all sorts here
Me: *staring into muddle distance* so much fluffy
i’ve found my new favorite subculture
a dishwasher safe would have to be a really big safe
HONEY QUICK COME HERE THERE’S A COMMERCIAL ABOUT MENOPAUSE
Hilarious when peoples outgoing voicemail message says they “can’t make it to the phone right now.” You carry the phone with you. It’s the only constant in your life
For sale: baby shoes. Never worn. Nothing sinister! Wrong size. Should’ve measured. First baby. Very excited!!
Carl: Perfect weather tonight.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: Butterflies taste with their feet.
Me: Fair enough.