SORRY I GOT IN THE VAN AND ATE ALL OF THE CANDY AND NOW YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH ME.
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🎶 I’m a joker
I’m Al Roker
I’m a forecast broker
Looks like Tuesday there’ll be sun 🎶
I’ve yet to find a romantic comedy that speaks to me. Maybe if they set it in an institution or an Arby’s restroom.
Me: *finger painting with the lights off* so what do you think?
Witch Girlfriend: not what I meant when I said I’m into the dark arts.
Gonna pull a Timon & Pumba and start singing a song about not giving a shit at peoples funerals
My family wants to start exercising more so now I have to jog to another town and find a new family
Drunk Draft Folder Contents:
“Trees. LOL.”
“I was born once. Pickles.”
“Spice Girls”
“Toes. Are on my feet. Both feet. Not just one.”
[Every restaurant ever]
Manager: “Has he got a mouthful of food?”
Waiter: “Yes.”
Manager: “Go and ask him how his meal is.”
Don’t EVER let anyone tell you you’re not worth anything. You can get at least ten grand for one of your kidneys.
she think she can manipulate me wit them crystals, girl u is not Thanos
I can clear that with ease, Elsie! Frankly, your lack of confidence is insulting.
20 seconds later:
Me: What would you give me if I can fit this whole waffle in my mouth?!
Wife: An uncontested divorce
(Auditioning to be a bird)
*accidentally walks into a sliding glass door*
DIRECTOR: Wow, she’s really good.
Every time I open my mouth, some idiot starts talking.
“u should stop drinking” u should stop talking
[vet office]
ME: *puts cat on counter* He’s sick
VET: How so?
ME: Look
*cat’s arranging magazines & gently tosses empty cup in garbage*
ATTORNEY: What were you doing the night of the murder?
ME: Not murdering.
ATTORNEY: But where were you?
ME: {sweating} The not murder store.
Personal Trainer: What do you want to work on today?
Me: To stop getting the name of the exercises wrong
Personal Trainer: Anything else?
Me: plonks, plunges, and squaps
a guy told me his name was Drazen earlier and he did not appreciate me asking if that was short for dried raisin
Check on your friends stuck in quarantine with kids that never stop talking.
We are NOT ok.
Our mailman freaked out when he accidentally saw me naked.
So did all the other people at the post office.
If I wasn’t supposed to have vodka for breakfast they shouldn’t have made it taste so good with orange juice.
[trapped inside a volcano]
Me:
Toddler:
Me:
Toddler: Be Careful…
Me: *sigh*
Toddler: The floor is lava…
“You’ll hear from my lawyer”
-boring
-overplayed
-probably a tax attorney“Trish is going to be f*****g livid”
-intimidating
-who is trish
-what have we done
[ after a spat ]
Me: Are you still mad at me?
Her: I guess not.
Me: [ reaching for her ]
Good!!!
Her:
“Hi I’m Dave and I’m an alcoholic”
*uncomfortable murmur*
“I’ll be your captain today. Our flight time into Phoenix will be 3 hours and
When I go to type “Lmaooooooooo” and accidentally forget the A
Everyone’s a gangsta until you make eye contact with a stranger whilst shoveling tacos in your face.
My kid pausing YouTube to decide what snack she wants is the new turning down the car radio when you’re lost.
If someone tries to be your friend, pick up their cat and play it like the bagpipes. Problem solved.