Sorry I hacked your e-cig. You’ve actually been vaping a dead bird for a month.
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My younger daughter has been in her bedroom looking at screens the last three years and I have forgotten her first name.
Someone said I should think before I speak and I said “eww what a horrible way to live”
Now I’m no fresh daisy, I’ve been around the block, but what is kissing
At my funeral the priest will throw my corpse into the crowd and whoever catches it will be the next to die
How to end an interview:
1. Thank them for their time.
2. Shake their hand firmly.
3. Firmer.
4. Firmer yet.
5. BREAK HIS HAND YOU MUST WIN
When it’s ok to bother me before my morning coffee:
1- I’m on fire
2- You’re on fire
3- The coffee maker is on fire
4- Something had frickin’ well better be on fire
Waiter, “Welcome to red lobster, I’m your seafood expert.”
me- “did you know octopuses have a beak?”
W-“no”
Me- “who’s the expert now?”
Day 30 on the desert island. Out of food. There’s no other option, I’m going to have to talk to the other survivors
Me: Can you believe someone on Facebook is trying to sell a bucket of old screws?
Husband:
Me:
Husband: How much?
🤦🏻♀️😂😂
Jesus probably figured things out when everyone kept calling it the Last Supper.
My daughter was giving me major attitude so I asked her if she’s seen Rapunzel and she said yes and I said keep it up and you’ll be locked in your room like that tower until your hair grows that long.
The news in a nutshell.
An ambulance just went down my road. Within seconds I went running outside to see where it stopped. I have become my parents.
Telling my kids this is why dinosaurs went extinct
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
There are many different theories about why humans even need to sleep but I’m pretty sure it’s to charge our phones.
Where it all went wrong
Me: Oh I love your hair, you look like a different person.
Her: Is that what you want?
me: *falls down stairs*
kind stranger: oh, you poor thing!
me: *tears in my eyes* why did you have to bring my finances into this
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back with two police officers, you’ll know that setting them free was a bad idea.
This lady didn’t know how to use the gas pump, so I winked at her and whispered “nobody does” while pouring gas into my jacket pocket.
One advantage of looking creepy is people tend to avoid conversations with you.
Shout out to Marco Polo for inventing finding people
If I chase you, it’s most definitely with a chainsaw.
Great! I just wet my pants. Now people are gonna think I spilled my drink on myself.
I’ve stepped on a Lego before so I’m calling bullshit on Godzilla and King Kong being that difficult to take down
Hey! This isn’t my car!
Remind me again … how many glasses of wine does it take to cook a turkey?
No one should be surprised that so many tweets are about unhappiness and failure. You don’t end up on Twitter by making good life decisions.
Oh you’re single? Awesome, we should probably let your wife know.