@WineMummy: Sorry I had sex with your hot gardener, but in my defense, you did say that I needed Jesus in me.
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@poizngrl: The difference between kids waking you up and an alarm clock, is that you can throw the alarm across the room
@joefrog1: If anyone is interested I'll be signing books tomorrow at Barnes & Noble from 6:00pm until I get escorted out by security.
@PetrickSara: My birth control is my 5yo running around in circles at 5am screaming "I have so much energy! I have so much energy! I have so much energy!"
@kellysdf: According to the NSA, most of my calls are me saying, "I forgot what you told me to pick up at the store."