Sorry I had sex with your hot gardener, but in my defense, you did say that I needed Jesus in me.
You Might Also Like
This lady just ordered a turkey sub with no bread & the deli lady said, “so you want a salad?” The lady said, “no, a sub without bread.” So to be annoying I asked for a salad just like hers. If looks could kill, I wouldn’t be telling y’all this.
We have haunted loft which is problem attic.
I hate to brag but I’ve been kicked out of several cults for being too weird.
[Zoom Meeting]
Boss: Please take your mask off we can barely hear you.
Me, *Hasn’t shaved in three days because of masks*: I’ll talk louder.
Cop 1: You think Simon will escape?
Cop 2: Nah, he’s locked up in there good.
Simon: Simon Says free me.
Cop 1: Dang it, he got us.
My house isn’t messy, it’s whimsical.
Our new puppy has peed on the floor four times in two hours, beating my previous record by 30 minutes.
A group of teenagers is called a suspicion.
Autocorrect changed “I’ll make better tweets” to “I’ll bake better tweets” so now I suspect my tweets are also cake.
Day one without power. Already considering which neighbor would taste best.
I need a house elf. No weirdos tho.
It’s okay if you didn’t notice that I switched my beard trimmer’s setting from 6 to 5. The difference is stubble.
Terrified to visit my girlfriend’s small town for the holidays because I’m a workaholic from a big city and everyone keeps trying to teach me the true meaning of Christmas.
ME: Close your eyes, I got you a birthday present.
SPOUSE: *closes eyes* Oh?
ME: Remember how you told me you love Daft Punk?
SPOUSE: No. I said I’d love for you to stop listening to Daft Punk in the car.
ME: *nervously* Oh
*Daft Punk slowly rises from behind the couch*
The bananas in my fruit bowl were overripe
Fruit flies everywhere!
I tried to kill them
But I just ended up giving them a round of applause
Went to the doctor the other day, he told me I had to stop lap-dancing. I asked him why and he said, “Because I’m trying to examine you.”
The upstairs neighbors had a lovers spat this morning.
All I know is next time he better clean out the lint trap before he puts anymore clothes in the dryer.
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
I now pronounce you slowly and phonetically.
Pastor: discipline your children as God disciplines his.
Me: so kick them out for eating an apple?
Pastor: no
Me: rain down frogs?
Pastor: what the?
Me: plague them with locusts?
Pastor: NO
Me: I gotta say Padre, it kinda feels like I’m running out of options here.
Me: Goddamn this mac and cheese is crunchy
Wife: You’re supposed to cook it
Britain be like
Here’s another great thing about hot tubs [pulls out a bowl of fully cooked ramen from under the water]
Getting married soon just need a spouse
Wife still out of town. I’m afraid if I order Dominos again they will call child services.
If stranded in a lifeboat in the middle of the sea, rub 2 FB accounts together to generate enough thoughts & prayers to lift you to safety.
Desks that can easily support a few hundred lbs must have some naughty stories to tell the other desks at break time.
Me flirting at a party
me: so what’s your major
her: radiology
me: oh cool AM or FM?