@WineMummy: Sorry I had sex with your hot gardener, but in my defense, you did say that I needed Jesus in me.
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@jus4golf: Attractive women post selfies and refer to themselves as ugly. As a group, if we begin agreeing with them we could stop that shit quick.
@joe_binkley: Chopped: College Edition. "In your mystery basket: Ramen Noodles, coffee, crippling debt, a worthless degree. Chefs, you have 30 minutes."
@UNTRESOR: Homeless Yelp Review: Dumpster behind grocery on Calhoun & Fairfax BARELY had any rotting fruit. Owner chased me off with a bat. 0 stars.
@dmc1138: This one time, I got kicked out of the audience of "Cats" on Broadway for bringing a laser pointer.