Sorry I had sex with your hot gardener, but in my defense, you did say that I needed Jesus in me.
You Might Also Like
6yo: “Mom, I’m excited that it’s my first eclipse, but I’m sad that it’s your last.” 💀
My 3yo just realized that when he’s an adult he can drive himself to get donuts and he’s gonna need a minute
Tinder, but for nearby people that have a printer you can use.
“KIDS, GET YOUR SHOES ON WE’RE LEAVING FOR SCHOOL IN SIX HOURS!!!”
— Centipede parents
Vodka = liquid CTRL + ALT + DELETE
Charlie Brown can only afford the one outfit because he works for peanuts.
If you say “I don’t feel good” and a pregnant woman says “Me neither,” DO NOT respond with “Yeah, but you chose this for yourself…”
To the people who have lost one shoe on the side of the road…
Are you okay? How does that even happen?
Jurassic park gets weird
Me: I’m Gen-X
Niece: *giggling* oh so you’re in the X-Men now
Me: No, it means I…
Niece: *full laughter* Captain Sweater Vest
Me: You gotta get dressed, kiddo, we’re leaving soon.
7yo:
Me: Get dressed, please.
7yo:
Me: Please get dressed.
7yo:
Me: Hurry up and get dressed.
7yo:
Me: Put your clothes on.
7yo:
Me: We have to leave in 3 minutes!
7yo:
Me: GET DRESSED RIGHT NOW!!!!!
7yo: Ok! Don’t yell at me!
That awkward moment when your date says she has a hair piece but later you find out she was saying herpes.
It’s great that doctors are now offering digital appointments, but my online gyno checkup was really awkward.
I’m 39 years old and I still have no idea what I would do if a kangaroo entered my bedroom in the middle of the night.
Let’s walk and talk.
You go that way.
Now that I’m vaccinated I’m up for any social activity as long as it starts at six, ends by seven, involves food and doesn’t require real pants.
Tire shop owner: Do you know how we could attract more customers?
Employee: [shrugs ] A Big Blowout sale?
Owner: …you’re fired.
I’ll start buying “smart” appliances when they make a microwave that automatically electrocutes people who put fish in it
I was waiting for my wife to try on clothes & spoke to this woman for almost 20 minutes until I looked up & noticed her head was missing.
Me: Finally! A fridge with an automatic ice dispenser! This truly is the good life!
Also me: *reaches in to grab cubes with my hand EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.*
Don’t tell me I don’t know anything about love. I just saw them open up a cheesecake sampler at Costco.
I asked my driving instructor if I passed my driving test, he told me “no” as we swam ashore.
Sorry, I don’t think I can hang out this weekend, my 4-year-old is still telling a joke
I’m just going to come right out and say it. I’m sorry I ate your seagull.
Sorry I threw sliced bread at you when you were taking a duck face selfie
How’s your morning?
Me: Grabs a bowl for coffee
My biggest fear is a serial killer brewing a fresh pot of coffee, while I’m trying to play dead.
3: *looking up at the lights* what’s that mummy?
me: they’re lights
3: no I mean the spirits in front of them
me:
me:
me:
3: what’s for dinner
May someone of my non-German mutuals explain German Burger King to me:
If you end calls with telemarketers by saying “OK love you bye,” they put you on their Do Not Call list.