Sorry I had to cancel for the 5th time in a row, I thought you would stop inviting me by now.
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Me: [when I like someone on Twitter] you’re a wonderful human being and I love you
Me: [when I like someone in real life] *velociraptor noises*
I’m not a heavy drinker but I do really like when the wine bottle makes the DOOKODOOKDOOK sound and will pour a glass of wine to experience it.
At my funeral, I’d like my family, my closest friends, and a high-pitched squeal no one can locate the source of
me: i can’t remember my password
my brain: how about an embarrassing memory
Wicked Witch of the West: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog, too!
me: *acting coy & twirling my hair* you think I’m pretty?
My new dentist called me back in to make another mold of my teeth. Needless to say he made a terrible 1st impression.
Poor thing almost 47 years of wtf 🤣🤣💀
Noah’s Ark was so unrealistic. Have you ever tried to pen up velociraptors? Did the guy who wrote the Bible even watch Jurassic Park first?
If you love Batman, let him go, because Batman Returns.
Follow me on instagram here!
It won’t all be gold – most of it is barely pewter
Morgan Freeman is in so many movies, I bet he just wanders onto film sets and says,”I’m in this now.”
when my parents were divorced they had a ski race to see who kept custody of us. things worked different in the 80s
My family: u about to go to work???
Me in my work clothes:
Who taught this was a good idea? The backbreaker.
When a tough guy comes at me like “Hey! You want some of THIS?!” I’m scared, but also it’s like… thank you for asking, you know?
an hour into The Sound of Music “yes. this is what music sounds like.”
The fact that no one understands you does not mean you’re an artist.
What I’ve learned from Dateline:
1. A hit man is surprisingly cheap and they almost always take payment plans.
2. Random murders are rare.
3. One should keep a missing photo file so the news has all your “good” photos.
5. The husband totally did it.
Hot hot hot 🥵
I was looking at my phone and tripped over the dog and we’re both laying in the floor looking at my phone.
People keep coming to me for advice like they forget that back in the day I turned down a bitcoin to repair someones computer for them and did it for a few beers instead.
May just keep repeating the phrase “YOU DO YOU” to my coworkers until one of them sucker punches me.
I wonder if Spiderman and Batman ever fight over who gets to eat the best bugs.
“It’s been months since I got laid.”
– Baby chickens
I’ve never read Catcher In The Rye, mostly because I can’t stand cereals or baseball.
I have laryngitis, and my kids have never been happier.
Hey rappers, if you have to keep reintroducing yourself then you’re not a very good rapper.
Be nice to your children’s teachers. Especially elementary ones, cuz kids have loose lips and that teacher has all the dirt on you.
Confession: I’m a fake gamer guy. This gut? Prosthetic. These shorts? Armani. Even this bag of cheetos is filled with healthy baby carrots!
[inventing flies]
GOD: make them eat shit
ANGEL: got it
GOD: make their babies the grossest things in the world
ANGEL: ok who hurt you?