Sorry I handed you a broom when you asked for a ride.
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I’ve concluded English is my phone’s second language. It’s the only explanation for all the bizarre autocorrects and typos that plague me.
breaking news! ufo caught on tape!!!!!
Confetti is shot outta cannons at my funeral. Everyone picks through it wondering why it doesn’t look right. “Oh god. Are these her bones?!”
water it, i dare you
me: do you mind i can’t go with other people in the room
cellmate: buddy i don’t know what to tell you
Me: I can’t work today. There’s a huge ball of fire emitting deadly radiation.Boss: You can’t skip work because it’s sunny.
When I texted my dad I wanted to be a barrister he was so proud.
Years later I achieved my dream, and as I make him an Mini Java Chip Frappuccino it turns out I can’t spell and he isn’t proud.
I am certain at least half of all curse words in history were created while someone without ninja skills was trying to work in the same room as a housefly.
So according to the news today apparently Facebook is still a thing
Dentists that pass out lollipops at the end of your child’s dental cleaning, are passing out little pieces of job security.
BARISTA: hey, your drink is on the house today
ME: oh, wow
BARISTA: yup
[awkward pause]
ME: could…could you get it down?
Daughter (5): “Daddy your tummy is big and bouncy just like our trampoline”
Me: “Well you’re short and can’t spell chrysanthemum”
Me: What fresh hell is this?
Satan: *turns to camera, winks* Thanks, Febreze!
Remember kids, it’s not a true burn if there are grammatical errors.
I’d like a progress bar over people’s heads so you can tell if they’re almost finished telling long stories or not.
He asked what my favorite position was… I said CEO
Hitler ruined the Charlie Chaplin mustache for everyone.
I mentioned to my wife that her lingerie is quite revealing…
and she replied, “Well, then wear your own!”
[Gender reveal party]
Me: I don’t get it. Are they having a Smurf?
Wife: Shutup and eat your cake.
ive modified my phone to deliver electric shocks each time one of you unfollows me. The pain will make me kinder, humbler, and more powerful
What’s faster than the speed of light?
A female untagging herself from an unflattering photo.
“Dad, can I go to the renaissance festival?”
ME: No, you’re still grounded
“No fair!”
ME: Yes, that’s what I said
Daycare lady: *notices 3-year-old’s shirt is on backward* It’s cute how you let her dress herself.
Me: Yes. She did that.
The first fireman to get called to rescue a cat in a tree must have had the hose wrestled from him before someone told him to get a ladder.
I love selfies. They kill more people than sharks
Do the things that bring you joy. Bake cookies. Take walks along the beach at sunset. Drink the blood of your enemies as part of an ancient incantation that opens a portal to the Underworld. Sing like no one can hear you.
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: ….Punches 6yo in the face.
Me: Woah,what the hell was that for?
8yo: He knows.
me: I think I left my phone charger on the plane
flight attendant: are you getting into the life boat or not
a lot of people are really funny but they’re not comedians and a lot of comedians are really funny but they’re not people