Sorry I handed you a broom when you asked for a ride.
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I know restaurants have to make a living but a pet hate is “extra toppings: £2.30!” and then it’s clearly one anchovy or half an olive spread around the pizza
(I am 6 months pregnant)
Me after ordering my coffee:
Stranger at Starbucks: you know you should be drinking decaf when you’re pregnant.
Me: I’m… not pregnant.
Stranger: (horrified) I am so, so sorry!
And that’s what you get for giving unsolicited advice.
Just because I choose not to drink doesn’t automatically make me no fun. That is a separate choice, which I’ve also made.
I leave my vacuum in the middle of the floor at all times so when I have unexpected company I can say I was just about to clean my house.
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
People should be teaching kids to spell by changing the wifi password every week to something increasingly complicated
OMG, MY DAUGHTER IS DYING!
Oh, my bad, it’s just her reaction to having to do a chore.
“you don’t text back” i know, stop texting me
Me: Haha I just never know what to do with my hands while getting my picture taken.
Cop taking my mugshot: Just hold still.
*looking a gift horse in the mouth*
– British dentists
Make new friends by waking up strangers with forehead kisses after they’ve fallen asleep on the train.
Hey, Facebook. Dead people can’t read your RIP shoutouts, because death.
Me: *playing Russian roulette* you first
Him: this is an automatic
Me: my house my rules
I’m working out again in hopes that I can wear my superhero shirt in public without someone saying, “Batman really let himself go”.
If you’re getting serious about someone, check what number their toaster is set on, because that’s what you’re going to be living with.
Them: You seem nice.
Me: Really? Try driving slowly in front of me.
“Just skip to the part where he pushes stuff off the counter!”
[david attenborough voice] wolves, also known as nature’s best animal, have been cool for hundreds of thousands of years
FWD: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: THE DOGS HAVE LEARNED HOW TO EMAIL THIS IS YOUR DOG HELLO SUSAN
Define “toned.”
-Me to the Creators of all Dating Apps
Kidnapper holding me for ransom: *handing me phone* your parents want to talk to you so they have proof you’re alive
Me: can I just text them
My husband just left town for a work trip. I didn’t want him to miss out on anything so I made him a mixtape of the kids whining.
Saturday night is for moaning My name. Sunday morning is for chanting it.
[A field]
*An elderly Louie Pasteur and I sit among the clover, I hold a shotgun*
Me: It’s time to put you out to pasture. *Cocks shotgun*
I accidentally said erotic instead of erratic and I guess I’m attracted to squirrels now.
People who argue on their cell phones in public should have to do it on speakerphone so the rest of us can get both sides
“Rotisserie chicken” should be a size for fanny packs.
Me: *buying a pair of socks and a pack of gum*
Kohl’s cashier: You saved $439 today.
Instructor: “Weapons are oft named for their purpose.”
Young Woman: *nervously eyes the cutlass*
Me: What do you want to be, when you grow up?
6YO *looking me in the eye*: A rockstar artist and God