Sorry I have been gone for the last two days, my son had a quick story to tell me
You Might Also Like
I have been draining my waterbed since 1981.
Little does the bus driver know, that “I love you” I shout after my kids every morning is for him too.
My daughter says people on Facebook are warning to not post about your hairdresser if they make a house call because they’ll lose their license. I imagine vigilante beauticians using the cover of night to sneak out and fight dead ends and gray roots using their capes as…capes.
[on a date]
*wonders if she’ll steal my fries while I use the restroom*
*shakes Magic 8 ball*
“YES”
*takes plate of fries with me*
[after dinner]
Mugger: gimme your wallet.
Me: can I keep my drivers license?
Mugger: fine.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: I can’t be seen with that.
Me: oh.
Mugger: gimme your shoes instead.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: you know what forget it.
Just had my biannual teeth cleaning like some barn animal.
My mother is the strongest woman I know.
You should see how far she could throw a shoe.
“Bigotry”
-an Italian guy describing an oak
Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.
I bought my 7 yo light pink bedsheets & she keeps referring to them as her “skin sheets” and telling me how creepy they are.
“I’m going to bed now but I want you to know these skin sheets are terrifying”
My dad and I went to a restaurant and the waiter pointed at the QR code on the wall and said “thats our menu” and left and my dad looked at it really close and said “Is this some kind of joke”
*sees husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding*
is this priest bothering you?
Cop: We found a decapitated body in the bay. Looks like he was attacked by a shark.
Chief: Did you get his name?
Cop: Sharks don’t have names, Chief.
Lookit me! Getting out of bed! Paying bills! Avoiding eye contact with the laundry!
“Wanna see videos from my vacation?”
*shows home video of me eating a raccoon under a bridge
“This is the wrong video”
“No this is right”
son: i caught a tadpole!
me: actually that’s a dadpole
son: i’m confused
*from fishing net* hi confused, i’m dad
good work, detective
cant sleep because i keep thinking about the time i went into my garage and saw a raccoon holding a pen correctly
[grocery store]
DAD: [wearing a ski mask]
SON: this is so embarrassing
MOM: hush- your father gets nervous when we have to buy toilet paper
I just had to add “velociraptor” to my Microsoft Word dictionary because apparently I missed the dinosaurs expansion pack or something.
My therapist: oh my socks are loose
Me:
Me: are you feeling shrinky?
*watching horror movie where young couple moves into new house & scary things happen* This is unrealistic they could never afford this house
‘Nuts and bolts’ would be a good name for a diary of one night stands.
I’m extremely grateful that spiders don’t scream back.
ROBIN: do you go to church
CATWOMAN: yeah i’m catholic
ROBIN: what’s a holic
I can’t decide if it’s amazing or terrifying that my two oldest children managed to stop arguing long enough to come up with a secret handshake.
Me: Things are going well. *knocks on wood*
5-year-old: Who’s there?
Me: It’s not a knock knock joke.
5: It’s not a knock knock joke who?
[sees date shivering]
me: here, take my jacket
her: aw thanks
me: also, take my shirt
her: oh, u don’t have to-
me: [unbuttons pants]
Now wait a minute- 😭😭😭
Let me show you how you can claim your dog as a dependent on your tax return.
~Me flirting