Sorry I have been gone for the last two days, my son had a quick story to tell me
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*nothing on the kitchen table*
*nothing on the living room floor*
*nothing on the coffee table*
*nothing on the dining room table*
7yo: *builds 2,000-piece lego set at the bottom of the stairs*
The car in front of me didn’t go when the light turned green, so I honked.
She mouthed “thank you.”
Okay, it wasn’t “thank”you, but I pretended it was.
[The Price is Right Wheel-O-Fate stops on the 🕳 symbol]
DREW: ooh that’s 8 days in the hole
CONTESTANT: what?
[hole opens in the ground]
The tampon aisle is a terrible place to pick up chicks.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
FISHERMAN: Which one?
my mom yesterday: do u work tomorrow
me: yes
my mom today: do u work today
me: yes i already told u
my mom when i’m at work: where are u
I like to say something disgusting which makes someone else say something more disgusting then I call them a pervert.
Me: My sex life is like your car.
Friend: What? Sleek, performance-inspired, 6-speed, classic & acclaimed?
Me: Nope. Electric powered.
Hair Dresser: You could get extensions to add length.
Me: You could stop cutting.
[Before the post office was invented]
SOME GUY: I need someone to deliver an important document
PIGEON: *simply existing*
SOME GUY: You seem trustworthy
“So kids, I was married to your mom & I met this girl on Twitter, we started DMing and one thing led to another”
-How I Met Your Stepmother
her: I named my baby Susan
me: boring
her: she’s a puppy
me: omg I love it
me: how would you like the steak sir
sir: well done
me: thank you but how would you like the steak
There’s three baby skunks on our porch eating leftover macaroni and cheese and I’ve never felt more a part of a team.
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
Age 15: kids are stupid
Age 25: kids are stupid
Age 35: I love my kids but kids are stupid
I’ve just had a rejection for a submission I made two years ago. Can I tell them that the book was accepted, published, reached the top 100 in the Amazon Kindle chart and I’ve since had another book published with a new one out this month, or is that just too much? 😝
“Click to read this man’s secret to incredible 6 pack abs!”
*click*
article: hard work, diet, & exercise
me: I have never felt more betrayed
PSA: Calories don’t count today because February 29 doesn’t really exist.
When you “pspspsp” too hard
The best thing about going to see a film with your child is them insisting on going to the toilet 2 minutes before the end.
[On a date and we pull into the restaurant parking lot]
“I’ll just wait in the car.”
Happy MOM THIS HUGE ASSIGNMENT IS DUE TOMORROW AND I’VE JUST STARTED IT to all those who celebrate.
How cold is it? I just snapped off an ear putting on my mask.
before meds: *hates everything*
after meds: *feels good about hating everything*
Me: I’ll definitely do it tomorrow.
Morgan Freeman: He wouldn’t.
Me: *chasing Morgan out of my house with broom* Why are you here again?
*everytime I introduce dad*
this is the man who’s not proud of me
My 6yo is excited at the possibility of being a ghost, but wants to know if her toys will remain real toys or become ghost toys
At marathons I like to put glitter in cups so when participants grab one and throw it in their face they get a party instead of hydration
If I’m at a bar with live music, I always tip the piano player. I love watching them slide off the bench.