I doubt my humanity the most when I’m trying to read those wavy, twisty scripts that are meant to verify you’re human.
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Him: which of these two fanny packs is better?
Me:
Me:
Him: you can say neither
Me: oh thank goodness!
SEANCE MEDIUM: The Ouija Board just keeps spelling out racist epithets and casserole recipes, over and over again?!
ME: Grandma?
take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is hidden cameras and the girls are all talking about me.
You can tell a lot about a person when you’re a snitch
A recent study shows that 90% of all adults have a chronic or even fatal disease
The other 10% don’t use Web MD
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into an optometrist*
Horse: Holy shit please help me
Bed should get ready for ME
girls will post pictures with “my day one💘💓” and it’s just some girl named Sarah that they met at the bar last week
*shouting like a carnival barker* Worry, worry, worry!
me: did you know beethoven was deaf
date: the dog?
me: of course the dog
Of course I’ve slept in the wet spot
My ex drooled like a Komodo dragon
just weaponized “with all due respect” at my condo board. and now we wait.
My youngest child is choosing to drop out of homeschool and instead pursue her B.E.D.
i don’t delete messages just incase someone wanna lie about may 20th 1984
This isn’t a bathroom. Go outside if you have to do that. GET THAT OUT OF YOUR MOUTH. Help me help you.
-talking to drunks & puppies
JEDI WHO INVENTED LIGHTSABER: ok its a destructive laser sword so maybe we shoudnt wear anythig too flowy
JEDI IN CHARGE OF COSTUMES: …OORR
Imagine my surprise at the school Thanksgiving “costume” party, when I showed up as Poison Ivy and everyone else was dressed as pilgrims.
“So you’re a foodie? What’s a foodie?”
“We enjoy eating out and trying new food.”
“So you’re like everyone else, except you brag about it?”
[Doctor’s Office]
Seal: My flippers are sore.
Killer Whale Doctor: Hmm interesting, swim a little closer into my jaws- I MEAN ONTO THE TABLE
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
After eating this cereal for 30 years I am still neither lucky nor charming.
*Abandons ship*
*Ship gets adopted*
*Tracks down ship in adulthood*
*Ship is happy and wants nothing to do with me*
Lambs: “BAAAAAAAAA!!!”
Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhhhh!”
Lambs: “Baaaa!”
Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhh…”
Lambs: “…”
Hannibal Lecter: “Much better.”
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
ME: i need to talk to you about something kind of awkward
GENE: what is it
ME: hygiene
GENE: hi kev
Date: I like bad boys.
Me: I’m a drug dealer.
Date: But one that is also responsible.
Me: At a pharmacy.
Jurassic Park 7: Nothing goes wrong and everyone just genuinely enjoys the company of the dinosaurs
“You make your own luck!”
– Lucky People
🤣🤣🤣
Girl: Hi
Guy: Hey
Girl brain: What did he mean? Is he in love with me? I need to analyze this for hours with my gfs
Guy brain: I’d do her