Sorry I haven’t returned your text in 3 days, I was taking a nap.
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I haven’t been to France, but I saw Ratatouille, so I get it
Realtor: It’s a four-story building.
Me: Nice!
Realtor (quietly): AllFourOfTheStoriesAreAboutPeopleWhoDiedHere
Me: What?
Realtor: It’s cozy
I just want someone to look at me the way that Wile E. Coyote looks at an ACME product.
two people or more is called a problem
Dating is just wondering why some people are single and figuring it out.
ME: [building a robot] We’re going to be best friends!
ROBOT: [flies out of window]
ME: Why did I add a propeller
[date shouting over music on the dance floor]:
WHY ARE YOU HOLDING TWO CORN DOGS?
Me: BECAUSE I NEVER KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH MY HANDS!
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? Because your man’s out here denying you exist.
unilever exec: look truthfully we don’t care if u put the q-tip in ur ear just stop when u encounter resistance
me: [already pushing it out the other side]
Calories in one pistachio: 4
Calories burned opening one pistachio: 2,753
Take that, kale.
Teenagers are most fun when they’re asked to clean up the mess they’ve made themselves.
I’m the CEO of Boeing and I’ve been screwing up the planes on purpose. People were never meant to fly and I got tired of waiting for the gods to punish humanity for its hubris.
Normal stickers: I peel off easy.
Stickers on things you buy: lol stop it that tickles.
my father has started calling me “daughter number one” either bc (1) im the firstborn daughter or (2) im his favorite daughter or (3) he forgot my name, which is what i tell my sister, “other daughter” & my brother, “boy daughter”
[on a date]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach
“that’s so cute. You dont have to be nervous”
[flashback to me eating some butterflies] ok
If I see someone stumble, catch themselves, & madly start looking about to see if anyone saw, I always make sure I make direct eye contact.
The secret to my impressive dance moves? Spider webs.
I’m not a dietitian, but if you eat pizza right at midnight your body doesn’t know if the calories go towards yesterday or today so they don’t count
My grandma used to say: “Never stand behind a cow when it’s windy or your face will be covered with freckles”.😂
behind every “do what you want” is a secret “if you dare”
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
my favourite word in the dictionary is ratio because it’s under rated
Women say they like tall men, so I focused on growing til I hit 37 feet but now they just hide as I peer through the treetops, my stride toppling redwoods. They cover their ears when my voice rumbles through the canyons, “HEYYYY LAAAADIES!!!”
friend: make her feel wanted
me: okay
[later]
me: *tossing photo at table of bounty hunters* this is your target
Gonna pull a Timon & Pumba and start singing a song about not giving a shit at peoples funerals
We’ll just have to agree to disagree is my favorite way of saying “you’re an idiot but I’m tired”
I love hard, but I stupid harder.
What the hell is going on?
You owe a corporation money: one member of your family will be drone strike’d daily until the debt is repaid
Corporation owes you money: if you can answer the mysterious hermit’s three riddles, the first of 80 payments in Indonesian rupiah will be made within 12-16 weeks
My favorite animal is fried chicken.