Sorry I haven’t returned your text in 3 days, I was taking a nap.
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6: Dad what’s a Kardashian?
Me: Nobody really knows…
6: Sounds really stupid
Me: I love you
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
Whenever I feel guilty about buying another book, I like to remind myself that I just purchased 1-5 years of that person’s life for 26 dollars.
“these Kate Middleton pics will silence internet critics” I don’t think u understand how badly you’ve fucked this. there are now people on the internet who could SHAKE HER HAND and still claim she’s four cats in a wig
I like that movie where the lion roars at the very beginning.
Ignore her and she’ll go away, to buy a gun, but she’ll go away.
When the intruder towards Virat Kohli at Eden Gardens – VK couldn’t control his laugh seeing policeman’s reaction 😂
Son: Dad, how do you satisfy a lady?
Dad: First you rub her all over
Son: Makes sense
Dad: Then you wait 24 hours
Son: huh?
Dad: I make my own sauce
Son: this is just your bbq technique
Dad: Slow and low, that’s the secret
[commercial for Facebook]
*man sits in tree, watching friends from high school through binoculars*
“Don’t you wish there were a better way?”
Hey, my girlfriend and I noticed you from across the room. Are you gonna finish your fries
My therapist says my little dragon friend isn’t real. But, my little dragon friend says my therapist isn’t real, and I’ve known her longer.
Both hands Mommy!
-my 4yo the backseat driver.
Yogi’s cousin Yoga Bear teaches classes at the maul & carried off a camper named Matt.
Maybe jesus needs me in his life
I don’t always have time to exercise. But when I do…I don’t.
My nickname for my mother is Hannibal Lecture.
I once ordered a BBQ bacon cheeseburger to go as I headed to work. I got to work and found that they forgot two critical ingredients:
The BBQ sauce and the bacon.How do you forget two items that are part of the title of the burger?
A scientist has developed a pill that doesn’t make you thin, but it moves your concentrated fat to other places. I’m looking to move my belly to Massachusetts.
Principal: Your son is a gamer
[Parents are visibly shaken]
Principal: Oops, wrong kid. Actually yours is on drugs.
Parents: OH THANK GOD
Oh my god gurrrll, he said WHAT? Told you men are trash now did I, alright gimme the tea!
Incense sticks are just disappointing sparklers.
[Star Trek: The Next Generation)
Picard: Why are they firing at us?
Troi [an empath]: I sense hostility.
My favourite machine at the gym is the television.
ketchup is a weird flavor to do for a chip. just empty a ketchup bottle on a regular chip like the rest of us, bozo!
I just switched my phone to airplane mode and a small child appeared and started kicking me in the back.
*finds own number on a bathroom stall*
Call for a good time!? This is outrageous!
*crosses out good; writes in GREAT*
There. Fixed.
ME: (right before I go under anesthesia)
SURGEON: How much you want to bet this guy is full of candy?
Irony walks into a bar the same time as a Coincidence. The bartender asks what they want? “Not to be confused with each other.”
[eye doctor’s office]
receptionist: do you have vision insurance
me: yup *hands over card*
receptionist: this is your health insurance card vision is separate
me: but my eyes are in my body
receptionist:
me: and they’re unhealthy
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels