Sorry I haven’t tweeted much. Kathy on facebook was keeping us updated on her menstrual cramps.
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i ain’t victim blaming, but why tf would you tell a wolf where your grandmother lives
I noticed the trim on one of our garage doors was hanging weirdly. I figured no big deal as these are pretty old garage doors so I started to fix it…
5 yo: Mommy did that.
Me: Did what?
5 yo: She hit that with her car.
Me: Wow bro. Sold out your own mother.
Me: Hey, wanna feel really old?
Friend: Yeah?
Grandma: Stop telling people to poke me you little shit!
Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!
When I die, I want my ashes loaded in a howitzer and shot at a target. That way, when it misses and smashes a storefront, everyone will be like “yup, that’s Dean”
Me: *enters Manager’s office wearing a pheasant face mask*
Manager: *sighs* “You know full well what I meant when I said that you needed your game face on for the meeting today”
HER: We need to talk.
ME: No one actually NEEDS to talk.
HER: …
ME: I assume we need to talk longer now.
[driving home in silence]
me: all i said was her husband was a really down-to-earth guy
gf: they were lowering his coffin
[on a plane]
Captain: I have bad news
Passengers: *gasp*
Captain: the middle class is dying
Passengers: oh, that’s true
Captain: first class might survive
Passengers: what
Captain: *tries to land the plane backwards*
[Me as a boxing commentator]
ME: Oh no, they’re fighting again, this is just like last time
bout dat hot dog summer
Once upon a time (today) I had to help with pre school homework
Me: -holds up yellow
Me: What color is this?
4: McDonalds
The end
Please please please please please please please…
-me, flushing someone else’s toilet
Wife: You have no friends
Me: Of course I do
Wife: Family, Neighbors, Coworkers and those Twitter people don’t count.
Me: 🤔
first time at Hobby Lobby:
hello I’d like one hobby please
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: omg, me too
ME: can I ask one last question
FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: ok shoot
[gunshots]
FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: aw heck
Stop pronouncing it “pecan.” Everyone knows it’s “pecan.”
I’m from a generation that wouldn’t dare tell an adult that we were bored.
Maybe just avoid festivals named Fyre or Burning or anything fire related
Brb my Sims are getting married
My kids went to great lengths, including the use of interpretative dance, to explain exactly how big the bags under my eyes are
If you’ve ever wondered about the joys of parenting
4: *hands me a broken toy*
Me: oh no, I’ll see if I can fix it
4: ok but be careful next time
Me:
Pictionary is the perfect game to play whenever you need an excuse to punch your friend in the face.
If you name a baby “Steve” you get to spend all day, like, “Yo, my man Steve shit himself and threw a potato at the cat.”
Told my 10 y/o daughter that even though I got a big promotion at work my most important job is still just being her dad and she said, “that’s nice” and asked me to get her a glass of water.
Me: the constitution says I have the right to assemble
Ikea clerk: you have to buy it first
I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging a few years ago.
Since then, my mugging attempts have been a lot more successful.
The way I see it, the only thing my daughter’s little “boyfriend” needs to know about me is I ain’t afraid to go back to prison.
*pretends to throw ball*
*dog runs to chase it*
Ha, stupid dog.
*dog keeps running, disappears over horizon*
Um
*dog tackles me from behind*