Sorry I haven’t tweeted much. Kathy on facebook was keeping us updated on her menstrual cramps.
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Me: I can’t find my straight jacket.
Him: Please stop calling your sports bra that.
I want a rich person to hire me to float around in their pool and feed me bread I want to be a wealthy person’s duck
My diorama of the Three Little Pigs mise-en-scéne was overshadowed by my sister’s master’s degree. I’m not mad, but I’ll probably cancel the show.
Me: *slides note to bank teller*
Bank Teller: So….you’re not robbing us, you just want to take a selfie with “mad cash” on your face?
“Inflation isn’t new. Just imagine jacking up the price on items because you can and their location is convenient.”
*vending machines have entered the chat*
A school’s Open House is a great way to find out how many projects you’ll be doing for your kids all year.
ME: I’m sorry. I’m not very creative.
JOHN: Dad, we know.
OTHER JOHN: It’s pretty obvious.
GIRL JOHN: It’s been one of the greatest trials of our family.
It’s my last day in my current job and all my coworkers have come dressed as me
Next weeks therapy session is going to be a doozy
When people ask me “plz” because its shorter than “please”.. I just tell them “no” because its shorter than “yes.”
“Smell ya later”
-me, to my asparagus
Him: Who’s The Man?!?
Me: Usually, not the guy who says ‘Who’s the man’….
I’m in court with another one of those attorneys who licks their fingers before turning every single page in their file.
I do not regret the contempt fine I’m about to receive, but this must stop.
America is a country where half the money is spent buying food, and half is spent trying to lose weight, and half is spent on education.
Me: “I like you.”
Date: “I like you, too.”
Me: “Well this just got boring.”
[re-enacting the lift scene from Dirty Dancing] “come to me baby, and jump, and oops… You landed in my mouth again! You silly gummy bear.”
DATE: I love heavy metal
ME: [trying to impress] My Dad was crushed by iridium
So is Walmart a verb now?
As in, “I’m out of clean underwear, so I’m going to have to Walmart it today.”
Big deal, snakes that can unhinge their jaw, I can unhinge my whole self.
The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks to hide their identities from all the other walking and talking turtles
*sees people doing the mannequin challenge, brings back ice bucket challenge and dumps it on mannequin people*
I ate the worst cake of my life today, but then again that must have been why it was free at the urinal.
2yr old has discovered how to undress himself, and now I live with a nudist
“Oh you have a hot tub? You never mentioned it” said no one ever.
Energizer bunny arrested. Charged with battery. LOL just kidding it was double homicide.
the year is 2042. a man is fired for doing “the robot” in a mixed crowd of humans and androids at the company xmas party.
My coffee maker isn’t working and I can’t help but think that I could come up with a solution if I only had some coffee
BUFFALO: I was only a kid. I showed Dad my report card. He smiled, hugged me and said ‘good bison’. I never saw him agai…oh, ok I see now
Oddly, Tripoli doesn’t have a single E.
No haunted houses for me this year. If I wanna be frightened I’ll just look at my 401k.