Sorry I headbutted you, I was gonna punch you but, I was holding wine.
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Just done a HIIT workout and if anyone sees me trying to do that again just go ahead and hiit me in the face
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
Clerk: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here.
Clerk: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
I’ve waited and prepared my whole life for an end of the world scenario
[gets killed and eaten in the first 10 minutes]
According to math, I’m broke
She wasn’t quite sure
Brad was a bit older
He seemed kind of shy
But she was much bolder
She asked him to dinner
“I’d love to” he told her
When she kissed him good night
Things started to smolder
But she ended it there
And gave the cold shoulder
When she got a ring
She’d be Anna
No one ever seems to break their legs when they drop from a portal in the sky.
Everyone on this website is always like, “Eat the rich,” but then Carol Baskin feeds her millionaire husband to a tiger and it’s a problem, hypocrites
When people ask if I’m being serious or if I’m joking, my answer is always yes.
Sorry I said your mom’s beef stroganoff was stroganawful.
The difference between a biography and an autobiography is self-explanatory.
Me: my dad left to get cigarettes 20 years ago
My dad: [opening door] I was doing side quests
the world’s most popular steaming services
Naming a dog after alcohol is cute until they run away and you scream their name until your neighbor brings you a bottle to shut you up.
Me watching someone get cooked by the timeline for an opinion i agree with
him: oh sorry I thought you worked here
me, in line at a haunted house: WOW
Judas has been acting weird the last few days.
I could be in a store desperately looking for gauze to treat a knife wound and I’d still tell a clerk that approached me I was just browsing
I never understood “spidey sense.” The last 400 spiders I threw a shoe at didn’t see it coming.
When life gives you chlamydia, make lemon chlamydia?
Just watched The Hobbit: The Battle to Stay Awake for What Felt Like Five Hours.
The sincerest form of flattery is having a robot from the future sent back in time to kill you. Imitation is a distant second.
Anyone else notice Independence Day is July 4th? Maybe we can work it into our 4th of July celebrations.
If you eat enough hershey kisses, you can reform the wrappers into a kiss and replace it in the bowl. This is less funny if you live alone.
12 Signs You Might Have Leprosy – Number 8 is jaw-dropping!
Wife: You have no friends
Me: Of course I do
Wife: Family, Neighbors, Coworkers and those Twitter people don’t count.
Me: 🤔
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
When Corner House says something righteous and you just think
20: sometimes you see someone so basic you just know they listen to the Beatles
Me: hey!
20: oh it’s okay for you to listen to the Beatles. You’re old
a duck was about to cross the road when a chicken came running up and said… don’t do it man … you will never here the end of it!