Sorry I headbutted you, I was gonna punch you but, I was holding wine.
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What doesn’t kill you leaves you feeling rejected and wondering why you weren’t good enough for death.
WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady who’s baby I stole.
Scissors [to Rock]: So you beat me & I beat Paper but how does Paper beat you?
[cut to Paper meeting a hitman] Make it look like an accident
Sometimes, I like to establish dominance over my shorter friends by telling them we need to hurry, and then climbing up a staircase, two steps at a time.
This earthquake was the first time that I’ve ever said, “it was 4.7, but felt bigger.”
If I can’t use finger puppets during my acceptance speech, then you can keep your Oscar.
Me: {sobbing my heart out, eyes swollen, nose red) “I can’t see you anymore. I am NOT going to let you hurt me like that again!”
Trainer: “It was a sit-up. You did one sit-up.”
Movie Idea:
Lohan.
Bynes.
Statham.
DEATH RACE 2
If you’re wearing sunglasses & it’s not at all sunny out, you can’t get offended when I grab your arm to guide you safely across the street.
today at CrossFit we threw raccoons into the ocean
Me: I ate all the chips.
Wife: What!? For the boys’ lunches!? Well, at least we still have cheeze its.
Me: You’re not going to believe this
Just saw my 4yo eat a banana like a corn on the cob… so yes the quarantine has changed us.
A horror movie, but it’s just me: struggling into my shape wear and then remembering I should’ve peed first.
Mom there’s a boogie man in my closet!
*mom looks and I’m standing there with an afro in a satin shirt and platform shoes
I wonder if racist families have that one liberal uncle who gets drunk at Thanksgiving and goes on about how Obama is DEFINITELY American.
If they’re right about the Mayan calendar and the world ends next week, I’m cool with that because the people whom I love know I love them.
Also, it means I don’t have to fix up this freaking house any more
COUPLE: *rides off into the sunset*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: nope
The dog almost ate the bird tonight.
It was like a Dateline episode.“He kept to himself, but on the evening of June 6, he snapped.”
I freeze leftovers because I don’t want to throw away food now, I want to throw it away in 8 months.
I thought white noise was the sound of people complaining at Starbucks.
me: how do we ask nicely
him:
me: go on
him: PRETTY PLEASE help me deploy my parachute
Toy Story
Toy Story 2: Toy Fast Toy Furious
Toy Story 3: Toykyo Drift
Toy Story 4: Toy Meets World
Toy Story 5: Toynado
Toy Story 6: Lotso’s Revenge
Toys 7
Toy Story 8: Toy Yoda-thon
Toy Story 9: The Fate of the Toys
I’m fairly confident I could live in a desert, I’ve gone years without drinking water.
I’ll save you the trouble of testing my saliva swab. It’s mostly Oreo crumbs.
Bad joke of the day:
What did the finger say to the thumb?
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I’m in glove with you.
[Funeral]
Me: “Do you mind if I say a word?”
Widow: “Please do”
Me *clears throat: “Plethora!”
Widow: “Thank you. That means a lot.”
thinking about parking in a garage downtown just to get some validation
Don’t cry for me, Argentina,
Keep your face dry, Dubai,
No tears, Algiers,
Or from you, Peru,
Now Oman, no cry.
I will never refer to ‘drunk me’ or ‘sober me’ because that implies the second one exists.
I’m always confused at fancy restaurants. Which spoon do you throw at the screaming toddler?