Sorry I headbutted you, I was gonna punch you but, I was holding wine.
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I have read all the opinions on Will Smith and Chris Rock.
My conclusion is that people are irritating.
Somewhere, a ninja watches “I Didn’t Know I was Pregnant.” An imperceptible smile creeps across his lips. “Damn right you didn’t.”
You’re not a mistake.
Mistakes can be fixed.You’re hopeless.
I’ve got 99 chores but I ain’t done one. ~Lay-Z
We have ants and tonight at dinner:
My husband: Did you know ants leave behind a trail that we can’t smell but the cats can?
3yo: I can.
Me: No, humans can’t smell it.
3yo: *sniffing loudly* smells like ants.
If you love someone don’t do anything. Just wait, see what happens. Maybe it will go away
I don’t want to be cremated when I die. I want my body thrown on a group of unsuspecting, cocky teens in a haunted house.
*shaking my boyfriend awake* babe. babe. what was the best thing BEFORE sliced bread.
Got 3 boxes of tampons, Midol & Ibuprofen at the store. Checker was so scared he paid for my shit & carried it out for me.
The only bright side to food poisoning is weighing yourself when it’s over.
8 really detests when I use fish sticks to play the drums on her head
All I’m saying is, no word’s meaning changes more as you age than the word party.
Biden: I painted “Michelle Obama 2020” on your bedroom ceiling
Obama: 😳
Biden: Glow in the dark paint
protagonist: tag you’re it
antagonist: no you’re it
pennywise: are you kidding me?
“Pay attention to me, but not too much. Ignore me, but make me feel wanted. Let me know you want me, but don’t be clingy.”-women
Loan me a couple bucks?
“Sure”
*throws 2 huge deer carcasses on counter*
Dude where did u get those?
“…”
Can I even pay with these?
If I was speaking a foreign language on Game of Thrones, I’d throw a couple of “yabba dabba do’s” in there to see if anyone notices.
I miss getting my misinformation from less places
[baby throws up all over the couch]
Cmon dude, I let you live here for free
Hey guys who are angry that women are taking a stand against cat-calling, stop with all that scowling, you look so pretty when you smile!
When you’re on a date that’s not going well, just start talking about genital psoriasis.
You’re welcome.
my five year old was struggling getting his seat belt buckled. He tried multiple times unsuccessfully to get the tab into the buckle and yelled “it’s like they broke up!”
(People Touring My House 50 Years After I Die)
TOUR GUIDE: And over here we found a second secret room ALSO full of bacon.
THE TERROR YOU FEEL WHEN YOUR PASSWORD DOESN’T WORK SO YOU TRY AGAIN AND AGAIN AND OMG HAVE I BEEN FIRED DID THEY FIND OUT THAT I SPEND ALL MY TIME ON TWITTER AND TIKTOK AND oh never mind I had the caps lock on
When I die, I want them to write that I died of supernatural causes, but offer no explanation.
They should make a sister store to “Forever 21” called “So Now You’re 35” where you can buy sensible pants and soft sweaters & take naps.
My youngest is being tested for the gifted program at his elementary school and my other son thinks his toothbrush is haunted.
Was it that frightening to gift newlyweds a ceramic cast of my fist?
Me, in my teens: *tries a new hobby*
Me, in my 20s: *tries a new career*
Me, in my 30s: *tries a new burner on my stove*
If you get banned off Twitter now, you get X-communicated
aaaaand send