Sorry I headbutted you, I was gonna punch you but, I was holding wine.
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I hope the next Adam Sandler movie has a wacky grandpa who uses “bae” all the time so you guys will stop thinking its funny
Be a parent so you can say fun things like, “Can you please stop petting the ChickfilA trashcan?”
If you ever get hit by a car, try to spin like a ballerina. You won’t get another chance like this.
I’m returning this head of lettuce. It tastes awful.
“Sir, that’s a loofah.”
Oh. I’m returning this loofah. Someone took a bite out of it.
Son: What IS it?
Daughter: Dunno. Maybe a possum?
S: Should it be that color?
D: Try poking it.
Me: I’M NEVER COOKING FOR YOU GUYS AGAIN.
Boss: You’re always late…
Me: You are totally obsessed with me aren’t you
GOD- “I will send a plague that will kill all living things on earth”
*Fish slip the LORD a $20*
“On second thought how about a flood?”
Dental office: Your husband had two teeth pulled this morning, so he’s going to need a ride home.
Me: Ok, how’s next week for you?
Chris Pratt is my favorite actor whose name sounds like if a rodent fell in the McDonald’s deep fryer
I need a Valentine’s Day card that says, “Sorry we keep almost-divorcing during the pandemic.”
*weigh myself*
Hmmmm…
*weigh myself on different scales and am two pounds lighter*
Ah these are more accurate…
Anyone who says living well is the best revenge has clearly never relocated a bat colony while their enemy was at work.
I like the murder hornets. So sick of all the negativity.
Today I’m golfing.
Thoughts and prayers for nearby homeowners.
[Enters Building]
“Excuse…”
*Voice fades*
“… anyone…”
“… how to…”
“… out this…”
“… ving door?”
Time to go to the liquor store, I’m almost out of holiday spirit
Saw a woman on a dating site who says she’s looking for God. I’m thinking she’s not His type.
The man who invented the iPhone battery has died.
His funeral will take plac
In India, when they say there’s an elephant in the room, there’s an elephant in the room.
If you hear your toddler in the other room saying “I got this, I got this”
Go to him FAST for he does not actually got this
This gum has my stomach convinced food is coming.
*getting kicked out of bookclub*
me: please, all i need to know is how little the women are
Who called it girl math and not galgebra?
Excerpt of my Google searches today:
7:07am Did the curve flatten yet
7:54am Did the curve flatten yet
8:12am Did the curve flatten yet
8:14am Did the curve flatten yet
9:33am Did the curve flatten yet
9:48am Cheddar Bay biscuits delivery
9:49am Did the curve flatten yet
*Werewolf about to eat me*
Me: I hope I give you meat sweats.
My kid criticized my handwriting on her birthday card so yes, all those hours of drug-free labor were totally worth it.
Storm Tropical Storm
[baby throws up all over the couch]
Cmon dude, I let you live here for free
I’m not a dietitian, but if you eat pizza right at midnight your body doesn’t know if the calories go towards yesterday or today so they don’t count
amazon: your order has been placed
me: great thanks
amazon: your order is being prepared
me: cool
amazon: your order is being put in the truck
me: it’s ok i don’t need an update on every step
amazon: the driver just buckled his seatbelt