@TheCatWhisprer: Sorry I hung up on you, I didn't mean to answer the call.
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@theekillerqueen: I'm gonna start using my cat's ages like y'all do your kids. 5 just projectile vomited and 1 is trying to eat it off the floor.
@One_FineMess: Just tried to kill a snake in the backyard. And by kill I mean screaming as loudly as a human can in an attempt to make its head explode.
@nbadag: [restaurant] *patpatpat* ME: you hear that? *patpatPATPAT* DATE: what the [penguin bolts out of kitchen with a fish] CHEF: SOMEBODY STOP HIM
@Ideal_Victoria: I spotted a subtweet and also spotted a squirrel with a juice box... I'll let you guess which one had a greater impact on my life.