Sorry I hung up on you, I didn’t mean to answer the call.
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2000: I don’t want no scrubs
2020: I’m actually gonna need all those scrubs.
At some point, you’d think there’d be a governmental inquiry into the excessively high escape rate of Gotham City’s penitentiaries.
After drinking that much, I just hope whatever I bring back home is some sort of human.
CW: The boss said she wanted to see you.
Me: That’s flattering, but I don’t date people from work.
When a woman asks you to smell something, it usually smells good.
Men on the other hand…
TOM HARDY: ‘I am a necessary evil!’
TOM SOFTY: ‘I can’t have anything too spicy before bed.’
shiny bag: THESE CHIPS ARE UNHEALTHY
matte bag: THESE CHIPS ARE FROM A FARM AND GOD LOVES THEM
You guys realize “business up front, party in the back” is only about mullets, right?
me: what did you go as for halloween
coworker: I wore-
me: [stands up] WHAT IS IT GOOD FOR
coworker:
me:
coworker: did you just ask me that to-
me: ABSOLUTELY NOTHING
If money can’t buy happiness what do you pay a hitman with?
I do my part to help the community by honking and being obnoxious when rich couples driving audi 4wds are surveying “charming properties” along the back roads
Now that I’m in my mid-forties I think I’ll take up parkour.
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
Well, Lassie, maybe it’s time for Timmy to learn a hard lesson about watching where he’s going.
Most things in life aren’t free. HOWEVER if you run fast enough, they are.
Any zoo can be a petting zoo if you’re really good at climbing fences.
My yoga instructor says I need to work on my breathing.
But I mean, 41 years, still alive. I kinda got it.
What do you mean I can’t get a refund on this broken lamp?
Ma’am you bought it from my yard sale a year ago! *slams door*
Wife: hey take me out tonight.
Me: can it wait till tomorrow?
Wife: why?
Me: because tonight’s not garbage night, tomorrow is
Call me hun one more time and I stg I will invade a small European country.
[1st date]
Me: don’t let him know you’re a lobster
Him: we should check out my hot-tub later
Me: ‘yeah…sure’ *nervously clicks claws*
” So the boat was about to sink until I attached a sail to my boner and made it safely to shore”
Me if I was on the Titanic.
You can’t fix stupid but you can fantasize about slapping the shit out of it.
[driving home from party]
Wife: That was so embarrassingMe: I said I’m useless at remembering people’s names
Wife: It’s Amy
Me: Yes I know that now, Amy
My kids call to me “Oh Mommmmmy” like I’m Toodles about to bring them a Mouseketool.
This fishing rod sucks. I have yet catch a single oyster.
genie: you can’t wish for more wishes
me: okay, i wish for the best contract lawyer in the world
genie: okay weird but *poof* here’s alan
me: hey alan, find some loophole in this genie’s bylaws that gets me more wishes
alan: *to genie* this is the fifth time this month
imagine an evil whale. you can’t. what would it even do
A cop pulled me over and said ‘papers’ I said ‘scissors’ and drove off. I win.